Setting Limits Chapter 3: How Children Learn Your Rules

While the first two chapters focused on limits, why our children need them, and how we teach limits, this chapter turns around and looks at it from the child's point of view.  It's an easy to understand perspective on how children respond to the way we teach our limits to our children.  The whole idea is pretty basic and logical.

The chapter breaks down into several simple concepts.

1. Children understand concrete rules and limits (actions speak louder than words)
2. Children "research" rules in a concrete way (through testing limits rather than asking questions)
3. Temperament greatly effects how aggressively children will research ("compliant" children will generally do as their told in order to please the parent.  "Strong willed" children will generally aggressively test limits for deeper understanding).
4. Punitive parenting help children understand that violence is the way to solve problems.
5. Permissive parenting shows children that what a parent says is meaningless and they continue to push until they are met with action, which encourages frequent testing.
6. Effective limit teaching requires words and actions to be aligned.

Given that, it's pretty clear cut and dry.  I don't think the chapter needs more explanation than that.  However, this is a case where I feel that the book is definitely valuable as it gives some good examples to help better understand the points being made.  In some cases, like labeling children as compliant or strong willed, I'm not sure I entirely agree.  We all know how I feel about labels.  However, the author does make some really good points.

Where does this lead me in my quest to better understand my own family?  Well, I can honestly say it hasn't changed much.  It has shown me where some of my break-down in communication may stem from, but it still hasn't hit the point of altering my family life any.  All in all, while this chapter is very necessary to the flow of the book, I almost feel that it was just a repetition of the previous chapter under a different point of view.  While valuable, there isn't much to say on it.

There are three questions at the end of the chapter about rules and children along with answers to those questions.  One has more of a "permissive parenting" bend.  The other has more of a "punitive parenting" direction.  I wouldn't call it a bend as it's pretty obvious.  The third question, however, goes on to explain why consistency between parents is important, something I tried to no end to express to my ex, but was never able to get through.

Finally, as with every chapter, there are the study group questions.  Again, it seems like a rehash of questions from the previous chapters, kind of a reinforcing of the concept.

While I do understand the purpose of repetition on getting the point to sink in, I have to admit, it's quite frustrating to have the same points demonstrated over and over again, chapter after chapter.  I know the beginning of the book stated the first few chapters would be outlining the flaws in parenting styles, but I really wish they would get on to the point of changing behaviors and starting to work towards setting those limits and changing the family dynamic, rather than continuously repeating the same information.