Due to the recent visit from a good friend of mine, I've kind of started to reflect on my life and my situation. In many ways, I'm pretty lucky to find a place where my kids and I kind of fit in. The value of having a place I feel like I belong has seemed far too underplayed in my life.
As much as I've got a lot going on in my life that isn't great, I think I've got a lot going for me in my life. Yeah, I'm getting divorced. We're having a hard time getting all of our bills paid, so money is incredibly tight. We live in a neighborhood that, well, isn't exactly one of those neighborhoods people want to actively get into. In general, our situation isn't all that great. In comparison to the other homeschool families I know that all seem to have money (aside from the friend who visited, because she understands where we're coming from), I've got to admit that I'm a bit embarrassed to have people over. Of course, I'm not going to be like my mother was and refuse to let my kids have friends over. I just need to communicate to these families that we're doing the best we can with what we've got. No one can really expect more than that. I know some people will judge us for it, but that's more their problem than it is mine. If my kids can't be friends with theirs because we're all too happy to get second-hand clothing and we live in a poor neighborhood, maybe they're not the kind of people I want involved in my children's lives, you know? Situation isn't everything and we're doing the best we can with what we've got. The fact that we are willing to homeschool even with our limited resources should, at the very least, show how incredibly dedicated we are.
There really are a lot of families out there who would judge me on my situation. I have to admit to the twinge of nervousness I have when I invite someone over that's clearly in a better situation than I am financially. When I see their house is big, beautiful, in a quiet neighborhood (and quite likely, very expensive), it worries me to invite them back to our small upstairs three bedroom in a fourplex right down the street from the club with the worst reputation in town. It makes them wonder how they're going to judge me, or if they just won't want to come over because of our situation. It's not easy for me.
Thankfully, the co-op is filled with a lot of families that just don't seem to ask too many questions. They don't pry into my life. They don't ask what my husband does. They've asked how I ended up here in Texas, so the divorce came up, but no one seemed to really have anything to say about it, beyond giving the impression that they felt it is what it is and our experiences make us stronger. I seem like a happy person in spite of it all, and my kids are great, so why should it matter that I'm getting divorced? It's a wonderful thing. Everyone is so kind and supportive. It just seems like a group of people that really gets me, even if they don't understand everything about me. I'm not treated differently for having a face full of metal, two gauge earrings, and dreads in my hair. I'm not treated differently because I show up in thigh-high striped socks and sneakers under my shorts and just don't look like what most people would expect when they think of "mother", never mind "homeschooling mother". Then you throw in "unschooling mother" and I've gotten some really odd looks! It's amazing what people can expect of you when you throw those labels around!
When my friend visited, I realized just how lucky I was to have her. It's not often I find people who are as wonderful as she's been. She's been there with me through the divorce. We were pregnant together when I was pregnant with my littlest. We've had countless conversations, and even a couple falling-outs, but in the end we're always friends. On the last visit I got a laugh out of her forgetting the cloth diapers I pulled out for her when she left. I know she can be flighty (and I don't feel bad judging because I think I'm worse than she is by far!) and it makes me smile with little things like that. It's not just because I know she's forgetful, but also because it's almost like she planned it that way, so I'd have to see her again sooner rather than later! She's the one that first told me about this magical thing called "unschooling", which really fit exactly the direction I was trying to go with my children. I just wish I'd known about it sooner! I would have felt a lot more confident in the way I was raising my children! She thought I was so well-read on the subject, but I've got to admit, I wasn't well read on much to do with homeschooling and unschooling until I'd met her. She made a huge impact on my life, more than I really thought she would. Because of her, I've felt a lot more confident in my decisions as a parent, and a lot of the choices I've made in my life, especially recently. I can't tell you how lucky I am to have her as a friend!
As she said, a lot of people have been having this great epiphany moment in their lives lately. I couldn't place my finger on just how I was feeling, but that's exactly how I feel. I've found a place where I belong. There are options right in front of my nose, just screaming to be taken. It feels like I've got work to do and I just need to figure out what direction I need to go. I just want to immerse myself into this whole homeschooling/unschooling thing. Suddenly I just want to give up a lot of the things that really get in the way of being the mother I want to be. It's shocking how fast my children are growing up and in many ways I feel like I've lost touch. I just don't know them anymore. I don't know their hopes, their dreams, all because life has gotten in the way. I haven't had the time to dedicate to them the way I always thought I would, and it's time to reconnect. I've had that epiphany. If I start living the life I feel I'm meant to lead everything else will just somehow magically fall into place. Yes, it's going to require a lot of hard work, but that's part of the direction I need to go. The work is all part of the journey.
Already in the past few weeks I've started making major changes in my life. I've started to do the work and already the benefits are paying off. My kids are all much happier. I feel like I have a place I belong at the co-op. I'm making connections with old friends that I really need in my life right now (whether I was willing to admit it in the past or not!) Things are already starting to magically fall in place. (Okay, so I guess it doesn't count as "magically" if it's really my hard work paying off...) I've got a long way to go, but I'm definitely not going to let myself lose touch with my kids like that again. With every step forward I'm getting that much closer to the vision of what I want in my life. Isn't that a beautiful thing?
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