A Bit of Reflection

Due to the recent visit from a good friend of mine, I've kind of started to reflect on my life and my situation.  In many ways, I'm pretty lucky to find a place where my kids and I kind of fit in.  The value of having a place I feel like I belong has seemed far too underplayed in my life.

As much as I've got a lot going on in my life that isn't great, I think I've got a lot going for me in my life.  Yeah, I'm getting divorced.  We're having a hard time getting all of our bills paid, so money is incredibly tight.  We live in a neighborhood that, well, isn't exactly one of those neighborhoods people want to actively get into.  In general, our situation isn't all that great.  In comparison to the other homeschool families I know that all seem to have money (aside from the friend who visited, because she understands where we're coming from), I've got to admit that I'm a bit embarrassed to have people over.  Of course, I'm not going to be like my mother was and refuse to let my kids have friends over.  I just need to communicate to these families that we're doing the best we can with what we've got.  No one can really expect more than that.  I know some people will judge us for it, but that's more their problem than it is mine.  If my kids can't be friends with theirs because we're all too happy to get second-hand clothing and we live in a poor neighborhood, maybe they're not the kind of people I want involved in my children's lives, you know?  Situation isn't everything and we're doing the best we can with what we've got.  The fact that we are willing to homeschool even with our limited resources should, at the very least, show how incredibly dedicated we are.

There really are a lot of families out there who would judge me on my situation.  I have to admit to the twinge of nervousness I have when I invite someone over that's clearly in a better situation than I am financially.  When I see their house is big, beautiful, in a quiet neighborhood (and quite likely, very expensive), it worries me to invite them back to our small upstairs three bedroom in a fourplex right down the street from the club with the worst reputation in town.  It makes them wonder how they're going to judge me, or if they just won't want to come over because of our situation.  It's not easy for me.

Thankfully, the co-op is filled with a lot of families that just don't seem to ask too many questions.  They don't pry into my life.  They don't ask what my husband does.  They've asked how I ended up here in Texas, so the divorce came up, but no one seemed to really have anything to say about it, beyond giving the impression that they felt it is what it is and our experiences make us stronger.  I seem like a happy person in spite of it all, and my kids are great, so why should it matter that I'm getting divorced?  It's a wonderful thing.  Everyone is so kind and supportive.  It just seems like a group of people that really gets me, even if they don't understand everything about me.  I'm not treated differently for having a face full of metal, two gauge earrings, and dreads in my hair.  I'm not treated differently because I show up in thigh-high striped socks and sneakers under my shorts and just don't look like what most people would expect when they think of "mother", never mind "homeschooling mother".  Then you throw in "unschooling mother" and I've gotten some really odd looks!  It's amazing what people can expect of you when you throw those labels around!

When my friend visited, I realized just how lucky I was to have her.  It's not often I find people who are as wonderful as she's been.  She's been there with me through the divorce.  We were pregnant together when I was pregnant with my littlest.  We've had countless conversations, and even a couple falling-outs, but in the end we're always friends.  On the last visit I got a laugh out of her forgetting the cloth diapers I pulled out for her when she left.  I know she can be flighty (and I don't feel bad judging because I think I'm worse than she is by far!) and it makes me smile with little things like that.  It's not just because I know she's forgetful, but also because it's almost like she planned it that way, so I'd have to see her again sooner rather than later!  She's the one that first told me about this magical thing called "unschooling", which really fit exactly the direction I was trying to go with my children.  I just wish I'd known about it sooner!  I would have felt a lot more confident in the way I was raising my children!  She thought I was so well-read on the subject, but I've got to admit, I wasn't well read on much to do with homeschooling and unschooling until I'd met her.  She made a huge impact on my life, more than I really thought she would.  Because of her, I've felt a lot more confident in my decisions as a parent, and a lot of the choices I've made in my life, especially recently.  I can't tell you how lucky I am to have her as a friend!

As she said, a lot of people have been having this great epiphany moment in their lives lately.  I couldn't place my finger on just how I was feeling, but that's exactly how I feel.  I've found a place where I belong.  There are options right in front of my nose, just screaming to be taken.  It feels like I've got work to do and I just need to figure out what direction I need to go.  I just want to immerse myself into this whole homeschooling/unschooling thing.  Suddenly I just want to give up a lot of the things that really get in the way of being the mother I want to be.  It's shocking how fast my children are growing up and in many ways I feel like I've lost touch.  I just don't know them anymore.  I don't know their hopes, their dreams, all because life has gotten in the way.  I haven't had the time to dedicate to them the way I always thought I would, and it's time to reconnect.  I've had that epiphany.  If I start living the life I feel I'm meant to lead everything else will just somehow magically fall into place.  Yes, it's going to require a lot of hard work, but that's part of the direction I need to go.  The work is all part of the journey.

Already in the past few weeks I've started making major changes in my life.  I've started to do the work and already the benefits are paying off.  My kids are all much happier.  I feel like I have a place I belong at the co-op.  I'm making connections with old friends that I really need in my life right now (whether I was willing to admit it in the past or not!)  Things are already starting to magically fall in place.  (Okay, so I guess it doesn't count as "magically" if it's really my hard work paying off...)  I've got a long way to go, but I'm definitely not going to let myself lose touch with my kids like that again.  With every step forward I'm getting that much closer to the vision of what I want in my life.  Isn't that a beautiful thing?

The Co-op Is So Refreshing!

Yesterday was a quiet day at the co-op.  Several of the families just weren't going to make it.  It felt a little strange to be there with so few people there.  Even so, it wasn't too bad.  It was just one of those days I guess.

Because of the events of the day, things didn't go as planned.  We've been combining the kinder-music class with the sign language class for practicality.  Both of them take about a half of the time and the Littles really seem to be more interested in the fun things the Super Littles are doing, so it made it challenging.  It's hard when you have to hear the music from next door, which sounds like so much fun, and then have to sit and pay attention.  I get where they're coming from.  Yesterday the sign teacher was out, so we ended up skipping the sign portion of the class.  No one really seemed to know what to do and I'll be honest, I wanted to continue the class without her, but I couldn't imagine what I would teach!  I'm very rusty at sign at best!  We don't really use it at home much, and never have, so I'm not terribly familiar.  However, all of the kids got to enjoy the play time, and the music was a hit, as always.

For the third class of the day, I was alone.  I have to admit, I hadn't really talked to the mom who had offered to help me watch the two Super Littles, and someone had suggested we just bring them all to the Littles' class on the human body.  We decided to give that a go.  It meant I didn't have to be brave enough to come out of my shell and talk to a mom I barely knew for a whole hour.  My littlest one was tired and cranky the whole class, and I think the two Super Littles were distracting, but for one class it wasn't the end of the world, and the teacher didn't seem to mind, so we just went with it.  It was just going to be for one class because of the absences, and it was a nice chance to see what my older son was doing.

Late last night, just as I was curling up to sleep, I got an e-mail from the woman organizing the co-op.  She was asking all the moms of the Littles and the Super Littles how they felt about the two age groups and classes.  She wanted to know how we all felt about the situation.  There were a lot of changes in the co-op for this semester. The Middles were divided in two.  The Littles just opened up to four-year-olds, when previous to that the youngest were five year olds.  Now we're looking at the combination of classes and she was wondering if we wanted to do that, or if we'd thought it better to keep them separate, or how we wanted to go with it.  This is our co-op.  What do we want to do with it?

I have to admit, I was thrilled to have it come up in such an open and immediate way.  She was very direct with the question, and definitely was leaving it up to us parents to discuss, share, and figure out what we wanted to do.  Ideas are already flowing and it's only been a day.  Four of the moms from those age groups have already weighed in and it hasn't even been a whole day since that e-mail went out.  It seems like we all agree the third class of the day was a one-time thing in order to deal with the absences, but in the future, the classes will be separate.  It also seems that about half the moms like the new format of the second class.  I love how one mom put it.  The reason she homeschools is to get away from rigid structure.  What happened in the class is just a reflection of that go with the flow feeling she's going for.  I very much feel the same way.

I don't know what the end result of all of this will be.  Even with my very strong willed nature, I've got no attachment to the outcome (something that's very unusual for me).  I'm happy no matter how things go because my kids are loving the co-op, and now I have confidence that I will too!

On top of it all, there was a mother there that I was a little concerned about.  It's not that I thought she was a bad parent or anything.  I just thought there could be considerable friction between us because of our varying views.  I mentioned an idea last week and she immediately shot it down.  I felt like she was treating me like I didn't know what I was talking about.  I was concerned that we would continue down this path.  She and I would continue not to see eye to eye.  Between talking to her for a good long while yesterday and her input on the discussion, I'm really feeling like we perhaps see more eye to eye than I thought.  I'm actually starting to *gasp* like her!

Building the Community

It may not be there yet, but I've made the first step.  A sustainable community is in the making!  Better still, it's not just a vision from my own head.  I now have others who share the vision.  We're taking the first step of the way.  We've got an idea.  Now we just have to implement it.

Not so long ago I met a really great couple.  We got along really well.  Our families are very different, yet share enough similarities to make everything work.  They have no children, but they get along really well with our three.  Her husband gets along wonderfully with my boyfriend.  They play video games together.  She and I share a lot of the same ideas and can spend forever talking.  We've got a lot of the same ideas and a lot in common.  I'm not really surprised at the way things are turning out.

It wasn't long before we talked about starting a sustainable community.  We have some great ideas.  We're talking about trying to buy up land.  We want to work with green energy.  We want to focus on sustainable living, healthy habits, and teaching the outside community how to live in a way that is healthy for their whole family (pets included!) and is good for the environment.

This is the tragic thing about today's society, we don't know how to take care of themselves and the world around them.  The standard American diet is incredibly unhealthy.  Most Americans have very low and unhealthy fitness levels.  Many of the chemicals we put in our bodies through foods, medications, and that absorb into the body through cleaning agents and soaps and inhalation.  There are allergens everywhere, but often times go unnoticed because we don't know to look.  These allergens are so integrated into our society that we just get used to the way they make us feel and think it's normal.  Many families have problems with raising their children and can use some help finding techniques that work, which is why shows and books like Super Nanny are so popular.  The same goes with pets and training.  Very few people know environmentally friendly ways to care for their home.  Fewer still know anything about green living.  It would be good for families to have a chance to learn about all of that so they can develop a sustainable life of their own.

Our goal is to set up a whole community.  We would like to have an inner community of those who follow our vision and fit with the family, and a more extended community that lives outside our small family group.  We're looking to buy a substantial amount of land, if we can, including a plot of land that already has wind power.  We've also talked about planning to buy up some of the other local land to house other families from the community.  We hope to have a holistic healing center that includes everything from natural medicines to massage therapy and energy healing (reiki and chakra therapies).  We'll add a dance studio and hopefully that will turn into a full arts and movement center, including yoga and pilates.  If we can find people who are interested in running them, we would love to have a space for martial arts in more of a "warrior's center" and a birth center, but those will have to come in time, should we find the right people.  We want to set up a homeschooling group for the children.  Group discussions for parenting classes would be wonderful.  Lessons in the proper care and training of domesticated animals would also be an option.  Finally, we'd like to have a spiritual center where we hold rituals and lessons in spirituality.  Ideally, we would also have both a men's group and a women's group so each gender could explore spirituality with people of their own gender, with celebrations and classes that bring both groups together as well.  We could hold drum circles and bonfires.  Can you tell we've got a lot of plans?

Maybe this seems like thinking big.  This is a lot for one small family tribe to accomplish, but thinking big is where it all begins.  Field of Dreams had it right with the line, "If you build it, they will come."  I've noticed with every community I've been in, once you create a home for it, interested people will come from the most unexpected places.  If there's an interest out there, this community will come together, and there's always people interested in alternative lifestyles and means of living.  It sets a good example for the rest of the community.  If we can do this, others can too!  Besides, nothing ever got accomplished by thinking small.  It truly is the dreamers that change the world.

We're only able to take small steps and make plans right now, but it feels good to have a life dream finally coming together.  I'm finally feeling like I've found my home, somewhere I can be happy.  I'm finally starting to really build my tribe.  We're going to be capable of incredible things, since we've already put our minds to it.  Now all we need to do is make it happen.