Taking the Back Seat

It's that time of year again, Christmas.  It's the season of consumerism and the competition to get the best gifts every year.  I'm not that kind of person.  My children are what's important this holiday season.  There's something about seeing their smiles on Christmas day that makes it worth it to make sacrifices, even when I feel like maybe I should just step up and be the one to take credit for what I do.

For the past three years I've tried to make sure my older two get something incredibly awesome from their dad.  Often times it's meant a good deal of hurting on my part.  These were things I'd intended on getting for my own kids.  I wanted to be the ones to light up their faces the way they do.  Sometimes it kind of hurts to know that, while it was my brilliant idea, I can't take any of the credit.  I have to stand in the background and let someone else stand in the spotlight, someone who wouldn't have even come up with such a brilliant idea if I'd never brought it up.

Of course, isn't that kind of what Christmas is about?  It's about seeing the joy on the faces of the people you love.  In this case, it's knowing my kids are happy, not about my own personal pride at being the one to make them happy.  I know in my heart it's my doing that made them happy and that should matter far more than my kids knowing I was the one behind all of it.  Isn't that kind of the idea of Santa too?  It's not so important that someone knows you were the one to do something for them.  That's all a matter of pride.  It's the joy that's important, so not taking credit for something my kids get from "Santa" is worth it.

In a way, I'm also trying to do something good for the kids' father as well.  True, he's getting the credit for my brilliant idea and all he has to do is physically get the stuff with his own money, but it means something to the kids.  With how frustrated they've been at the absence of their father in their life, it makes them feel good and cared about to have their dad get them something so incredibly special.  It helps their feeling of connection with their father, even if it's not the same as if he'd made the effort himself.

I know I could be like so many other moms out there.  I could tell their father if he really cared about what the kids were into or what they wanted, he should talk to them about it.  I could just give him a vague overview.  I could just tell him something simple and vague, or to buy them things they need, like clothes.  I know a lot of moms that expect their ex to figure it out on their own or take the time with the kids to figure it out, but I don't really want to do that.  I know exactly what the gift of the year would be for my kids, and I know a part of what makes those gifts so special is who they got it from.  I don't want them to be disappointed by their father.  They've got enough disappointment in their lives.

Even so, it's really hard.  I feel like I'm shielding my kids from the harsh reality of what's going on in their relationship with their father.  I'm sure at some point they'll both realize that their dad relies on me to tell him what they're into and what to get.  I don't know if they'll appreciate it more or think less of me for letting him take all the credit.  I guess the truth of the matter is I want them to feel like they matter, even if that means letting their dad give them the things I know in my heart will truly make them happy.

Making Progress

As you might already know, I'm getting divorced.  It's been a challenging situation.  No matter how much you agree to work together in all of this, things will always be challenging.  If they weren't, then why would you be getting divorced at all, right?

Well, I feel the need to share a shocking event in this whole divorce.  Now, I will warn you, if you known divorce, have been divorced, or have friends who have gone through divorce, this may be hard to believe.  This is so far outside the realm of a normal divorce that this could easily give you heart failure.  We had a civilized conversation and worked everything out without a problem...

Yes, I know, it's hard to believe, especially if you know the way my husband is.  It's shocking if you know what divorce does to people!  I've been dreading this whole thing.  I've been uncomfortable with the whole process.  Divorce is supposed to be so traumatic, and I just didn't want to deal with it.  There were nothing but fights about child support, car payments, and everything else.  It seemed like I was losing my best friend.

Today things were so much better.  We talked like civilized adults!  He talked to the kids and seemed genuinely interested in what they were saying.  He made some honest and well thought out comments on homeschooling and we came to a reasonable decision.  I think we're both pretty happy with the way things are rolling out.  We even worked out some of the details on affording for the kids to visit him out of state!  I finally feel like I'm getting my best friend back.

Not that long ago I had a friend tell me that divorce is something that only works between two mature and responsible adults.  I'm starting to realize just how true that is.  When things were still tender at the start of all this, we found that it was nothing but complications and trouble.  Now that we're finally starting to talk, even though it is so sterile and business-like, we're finding that this whole process is starting to work out for the best.  I'm incredibly happy with the arrangement we've made and I look forward to being able to bring the kids to visit him for the first time.  It seems like things are going to work out for the best in the end!

So while this is sad because divorce is never easy, I do feel relief that my children will be able to have two parents that can at least talk like reasonable adults.  This may not end so badly after all!