History that Makes You Think

As we all know, history is written by the victor, or pretty much anyone who cares to write it.  In some cases it comes down to us from sources that can never be verified, and aren't the most reliable.  For this reason, I love any kind of resource that helps children think about what they're learning in a more objective way.  Just because it's written as truth doesn't mean it's actually true.  Just because it's in the history books doesn't mean it's true.  It's good practice to get into researching to verify the facts before you take it as a fact.

Plymouth Rock is a perfect example of what I'm talking about.  Everyone (or, at least until I moved to Texas, I thought it was everyone) knows the story of Plymouth Rock.  The Pilgrims disembarked from their boat and stepped gently down onto Plymouth Rock.  I've heard a variety of stories on how it happened, including the first man to step on the rock falling off the rock and to the ground because he still had his sea legs and wasn't used to land.  The question remains, is that how it really happened?  Where's the truth in this story.

In Jean Fritz's book Who's That Stepping on Plymouth Rock? that issue is very much brought to light.  As it turns out the story of Plymouth Rock was first mentioned by a 95 year old man by the name of Thomas Faunce.  His father knew some of the First Comers, and when the townsfolk asked if it was a landmark, he verified that it was.  Of course, we're now left to trust the word of a 95 year old man that didn't even know the First Comers personally.  For all we know his father was a tiny babe when he met the First Comers himself.  The story could have been made up for a good children's tale.  It's entirely possible that the story of that first step on Plymouth Rock never happened at all, especially considering no one seems to know who that first person was to step off the boat and onto the rock.  Was it John Alden, as his family said it was?  Was it Mary Winslow, as her family insisted?  From the sounds of it, neither of them were on the first boat to shore, and from much of my research, the women stayed on the boat at first while the men cleared the land and prepared homes for their families to live in.  Doesn't that leave a lot of questions?  Isn't it strange that neither of the families that insisted their relative was the first knew of the story to begin with before Elder Faunce told of it?

In all fairness, to say that there's a lot of reason to doubt the story of Plymouth Rock, there also has to be acceptance that it could, in deed, be true!  It's entirely possible that the First Comers stepped onto the rock when they first arrived, though it doesn't seem the most logical thing to do.  A rock as large as Plymouth Rock is described to be would be difficult to climb up onto when arriving in shore in the small boats they would take out to drop everyone to land.  There were surely more logical places to put to shore.  Then there's the curiosity that there seems to be no written record verifying the story.  Still, even with all of this, it can't be doubted that the story is entirely possible.  There's no evidence to out and out disprove it.  It's all based on the fact that it wouldn't be the most logical decision to land at Plymouth Rock.

Of course, to small children it sounds completely reasonable.  The Mayflower just sailed up to the shore and the tall boat was just the right height for everyone to step right off onto the rock.  I remember when I was small that's how I thought it all must have happened.  I'd never thought of the reality of running the boat ashore.  I never thought that they wouldn't do that, but would instead send a smaller boat to make land.  Given my childish ignorance, I had no reason to doubt this story.  It sounded so wonderful and fantastical.

At some point I'd known a lot about Plymouth Rock.  I know my family went out to Plymouth Plantation at one point.  Supposedly I've seen the rock myself, but I don't remember it.  I'd heard the rock was moved around and broken.  I'd heard a whole bunch of stories, most of which I don't even remember anymore.  It seems like, for a rock, Plymouth Rock has a lot of history.

So, what about this book?  I'd say it's a fantastic read for anyone who wants their children to stop and think about history.  I mean, what if this whole fuss was made over a rock that was really nothing more than just that, a rock?  What if no one stepped off onto the rock at all?  Is history real if there's no evidence, record, or verifiable account of what happened?

More importantly, does it even matter whether the Pilgrims stepped off onto the rock or not?  Does the history mean as much as the symbol itself?  It may never have been touched by the Pilgrims (though, there is every chance that they sat on it, touched it, leaned on it, or something) but today it stands for something more.  It's a monument of it's own right, a landmark.  That giant rock, through all of it's trials, stands for something.  It's a mark representing those who came before us and a reminder of the sacrifices they made to arrive in this "new world".  It's a reminder of all of their struggles.  It's a reminder of freedom, in so many ways, as that's what they traveled to America to attain.  Isn't that almost more important than knowing whether the Pilgrims ever set foot on it at all?

This is what I love about history books like this.  It makes you think.  It opens things up for discussion, which I think is far more important than memorizing facts and knowing quirky bits of history.  It gives a family something to talk about (especially if they share the book together) and a chance to reflect on how history is created.  It's a chance to discuss whether a symbol people can take pride in and be inspired by is more valuable than knowing the truth of a matter.  Isn't that almost what religion is about?  Having something to have faith in rather than looking for the hard facts that support the story?  Is there really anything wrong with something that fills people with so much hope (in the case of religion), national pride (in the case of Plymouth Rock), and love?  Is there really any harm in something that brings families together?  Is there any harm in something that encourages thoughtful discussions and educating their minds?

Maybe I'm looking into this more deeply than most people would care to think.  Maybe I'm looking for lessons that go far deeper than the author ever intended.  Perhaps she was just trying to record some interesting facts about a point in history that so many children (at least in New England) learn about.  Even so, I think it's wonderful to look at it as so much more.  Why not use everything as an excuse, as a reason to expand your mind?

In the end, what are my personal thoughts on Plymouth Rock?  Personally I think the Pilgrims never set foot on it.  It's too unlikely that they would choose that spot when better ones could be found.  Given only one man had ever heard the story, it's hard to back it up with any degree of truth, so I have to wonder if he just made it up, or perhaps his father did.  Maybe, just like with playing telephone, the story got mixed up somewhere along the way.  We can never know the truth.  However, Plymouth Rock now stands as a symbol more than a historic landmark.  That giant rock was undoubtedly a fixture in the landscape when the Pilgrims landed.  It's something they would have seen every day as they worked and lived.  It's lasted the test of time, a little worse for wear because of the meddling of others.  It's broken, cracked, and cemented back together, and yet there it still stands.  Doesn't that kind of match our national history?  We've been broken and fractured through civil war and political divides, yet in the end, we're still together as one nation. In a way, it's like each and every one of us.  People make up their minds about us, and as a result we end up a little battered and broken, but in the end we're still there, bearing the scars of our past, looking on to the future.  Hopefully, like the rock, we'll all be looking forward to a peaceful future where we can spend time with our good friends (in the rock's case, a few seagulls) and ride out the rest of our days in happiness.

Her First Library Card

Yesterday my daughter and I decided it was about time we go do something special.  She and I have been working on reading for a while, so when I decided to get my own library card, I thought I should take her with me to get her own.

In truth, I wasn't really getting a library card so I could take out books.  I'd heard the local libraries were a complete disappointment in comparison to the grand, spacious libraries back home.  There's a Droid and iPhone app that allows you to download e-books from the local library to your phone.  They're automatically deleted on their due date so you don't get any late fees.  I thought it would be a wonderful way to expand the collection of books I've read, even though I'm not terribly fond of e-books.

My daughter isn't a strong reader by any means.  It still takes us a couple hours to get her to read one of those level three early readers.  Level four books can take even longer, like Ben Franklin and the Magic Squares.  That book has taken her a couple of hours, but at least she's digesting the content of it pretty well.  She's pretty amazed by the things Ben Franklin has invented, and that's not even all of them!

We packed ourselves up in the car and went off to the library.  On the car ride over we talked about the library.  She'd asked if we were going to the place she'd gone with Marrok, but I explained to her that was a book store.  You buy books there.  Libraries allow you to borrow books, and as long as you get them back on time, you don't have to pay anything!  She was pretty amazed.  She couldn't wait to get there and see what they had.  She was hoping they had toys, but I told her I didn't know if they would.

The first thing we did when we got there was walk up to the library desk.  One of the librarians was busy, so fittingly we went to another librarian who was very nice, helpful, and reminded me a lot of my aunt, which made me smile.  A little pang of homesickness and missing my family washed over me, but I was able to brush it aside.  We had a purpose here.  My little girl was getting her first library card!

My daughter, being who she is, asked a million questions, of course.  I asked a few questions too.  Apparently you have to be five years old to get your own library card,  My older son is almost there.  We were each allowed to borrow three things for this visit, but next time we'll be able to take out ten.  Fittingly we went to the branch that was more of a children's library, so we really felt like we'd found the right place.

When we were done, my daughter wanted to look around.  There were stained glass windows on the wall to some partitioned room that looked like an office.  My daughter wanted to look at all the pictures in the stained glass.  She was amused to see some familiar video game characters in one frame, and a dragon and knights in another.  Then we looked at the movies, saw the audio books, and went by each shelf of books talking about the labels on the ends.

Finally, we settled into the books themselves.  We decided to start with some books that would expand on her homeschooling experience.  I figured we'd pick one or two educational books and then get something fun.  Of course, my daughter had other ideas.  Once she'd started looking, she'd picked out too many books and had the hard task of deciding which books she wanted to take now, and which she would save for next time.  She'd pulled out three books on history, two on Halloween, a book on Columbus Day, and a book on green activities for kids to save the environment.  We decided that we would have to come pick books for every holiday.  There were tons of books on Christmas, so  we'll have tons of books to read come Christmas time!  There's books on holiday traditions in a huge number of different countries, so that sounds like it will be fun and educational.

Finally, she decided on three books.  The first one she picked was the first book she pulled off the shelf, True Green Kids: 100 Things You Can Do to Save the Planet. She's been really into environmentalism, probably a result of having a mom like me. Of the two Halloween books she decided on True Green Kids: 100 Things You Can Do to Save the Planet, which was fitting as it seems to give a pretty full history of the holiday. Lastly she decided on True Green Kids: 100 Things You Can Do to Save the Planet, which is also very fitting because Columbus Day will be here before long. Isn't it next week?

Excited at her selections, she bugged me to swiftly pick my books so we could fly home.  She couldn't wait to look at them.  Next time she's looking forward to checking out ten more, since she'll be able to check out that many on all of her following visits.  Hopefully this is the first step towards having a life-long learner!

Daylight Savings, You Are the Bane of My Existance

Over the past few weeks I've been kind of irritated at the whole concept of Daylight Savings Time.  With my kids being early risers, it means they need to be early to bed too.  After a little research, my daughter needs about eleven hours of sleep every night and both my boys need to get twelve and thirteen.  Doing a little quick math, if they'up by six-thirty or seven, they can't be going to bed around nine or ten.  That's actually part of the reason my older two are probably so crabby all the time.

What does this have to do with Daylight Savings?  Well, here's my problem.  My kids don't want to go to bed when the sun's still out.  What kid likely does.  I remember when I was small and forced to go to bed before the sun set I would read on my bed or stare longingly out the window, wishing I were playing out there instead of being trapped in my bed when I really didn't want to sleep.  I can't blame my kids for feeling the same way.  It's light out!  That means it's time to play!  Daylight Savings is really effecting their sleep schedule.

So, just doing a little quick math here, we're going to take a look at wake-up times and bed times for my kids.  My daughter, for example, likes to get up between six and seven in the morning.  To get her full eleven hours of sleep, that means she's got to be in bed by seven or eight in the evening.  My older son (since he's been doing without a nap) needs to be in bed by six or seven.  My youngest takes a good long nap, sometimes two in the afternoon and can really go to bed as late as he wants.  Those don't sound like unreasonable bed times for kids their age.  They'll have plenty of sleep, which means they'll be healthy.

Unfortunately, that's when Daylight Savings Time comes into play.  It seems like each year Daylight Savings Time gets pushed further and further along the year.  This year, for example, it goes from March 13th through November 6th.  That means the relief I was waiting for on bed time isn't anywhere near being in sight.  It's still going to be a month away!  Instead of relying on standard time to help my kids get to bed earlier, I'm now stuck with waiting on the sunset to happen far enough before bed time that it's dark in their rooms.  That's making getting everyone to bed no easy task.

I know I've been asked before, wouldn't that just make the children get up earlier in the morning because the sun is up earlier?  In my experience, not so much.  I've got to get them out of bed to get them ready for the co-op no later than 7am.  There's so little light in the house that we have to turn lights on to get ready by.  I can't imagine how much worse it's got to be for families that send their kids to school and may need to be up as early as 5am, significantly before sunset.  That means kids the same age as mine need to be in bed even more before sunset in order to get a proper night's sleep!

Looking at a sunrise and sunset calendar (because I love those things!) I can see where the problem is.  Sunrise isn't until 7:27 this morning.  That means we're always waking up before the sun rises.  It's really hard to tell my kids they need to stay in bed until the sun is up when the sun's not even up on days we go to the co-op.  It's also hard to tell them to go to bed at their bed time when the sun doesn't even set until 7:13, thirteen minutes after they're sent to bed.  It just doesn't make sense.

I remember when I was in school I would eagerly await the end of Daylight Savings.  I would dread the approach of Daylight Savings every spring.  Sure, it meant it was light out for later in the day, but often times it meant sitting out and waiting for the school bus in the dark, decently before the sun was up.  My bus would come at 7:05 in the morning.  Back then Daylight Savings was over in October, not the late end we have now some time after Halloween.  I can't imagine how it must be in Massachusetts, when I might not see sunlight in those last few days until after school had already begun.

While I understand Daylight Savings is supposed to benefit electrical consumption, pushing it back so late in the year only seems to be hurting our energy consumption.  The kids are to bed when the sun is up and as a result they've got to get up and turn the lights on to get ready for their day in the dark.  Most of the soldiers around here will spend much of their morning in darkness as they get ready to go off to training.  Many school kids will be using electricity when getting ready for school.  Given many families are at home during the hottest part of the day regardless, it really doesn't seem to help a thing here in Texas.

Then there's the next huge transition that's going to have to happen in my family.  When the time "falls back" by an hour, I'm going to have to convince my kids to stay in bed an hour longer, something that's hard enough to do already.  They won't have to get up before the sun on days that they have to go to the co-op, so that means they can actually sleep in until the sunrise for a while.  It's going to be hard to teach them that if the sun's not up in the morning, neither should they be.  Thankfully, it will be easier to get them to stay up an hour later.  The change over in the spring is also going to be very disruptive to their sleep cycle, which doesn't help my part as a parent either.  I seriously think we could live very happily without the intrusion of Daylight Savings on our lives.

What's worse is the contradictions I hear between the published results of those who are pro-Daylight Savings and the actual people I talk to every day.  Sure, people love being able to "gain an hour of sleep" in the fall, but everyone hates to "spring forward".  It means "losing an hour of sleep" and no one is too fond of that.  Yes, it's nice to get to gain an hour in the day and be able to sleep a bit longer that one night, or get into a schedule of getting up earlier with nothing more than the change of the clock, but it really is disruptive. I've known plenty of people who end up late for where they're going because they forget to change their clocks.  Then there's all the people who end up tired and cranky for weeks in the spring because they have a hard enough time getting to sleep on time, never mind an hour earlier.  Daylight Savings Time is really disruptive to a lot of the people I know!

I swear, I'm ready to have it over already and I'm really tired of having to wait.  It hasn't made my life any easier and now it's presenting even more of a challenge.  I'm going to have to buy room darkening curtains for my children's rooms just so they'll get to bed on time and get plenty of sleep.  Otherwise I'm going to be forced to live with cranky, tired kids who throw tantrums at the drop of a hat because they don't want to sleep when it's light out.  Thank you, Daylight Savings Time.  You're making my job as a mother that much harder...

Lazy Days and Reading

With all of the stressful things in my life right now it's sometimes hard to sit back and appreciate the things that really mean something to me.  It's too easy to be stressed out about the bills being paid and where we're moving when our lease is up.  For our part on that, it's just been too much for us to want to stay here.  Our building has been sold once already in June and now they're looking to sell it again.  It's complicated just about everything and we're ready to move on.  All of that stress has kind of gotten me stuck on that and I've forgotten about some of the better moments.

Today I finally caught up with my daughter, since  we've missed reading for the past couple of days.  She's not a terribly strong reader and hasn't shown much interest in reading for herself.  She hasn't really read anything (that I'm aware of) for the past week or so, and I haven't been pushing her.  Instead I've been reading to her.  We absolutely plowed through the first book in her three book The Princess School Special Edition Treasury.  We're flying through the second book too.

I've noticed that's something all of the best moms I've known have done, reading to their kids.  It doesn't seem to matter how old their kids get unless their kids just stop liking it.  A very good friend of mine read Harry Potter with her kids every night.

With all of my daughter's love for ATC and all of that, it's gotten her into writing too.  She writes her name, the date, and title on the back of her cards.  As a result, she's finally learning how to write.  Her spelling is absolutely atrocious, but what can I expect from a girl who used to fight me for so long?  I can't expect immediate results.  She's actually doing pretty well with it.  Now I just need to see if I can encourage her to work with it more steadily.

Just like with the ATC being incentive for her writing, I think our family reading time is incentive for her to read. I just wish I could find something my younger two would enjoy sitting down and letting me read with them.  Neither of them are interested in story time.  They'd much rather run off to play (or attempt to do it themselves!) so it's challenging.  Still, I'm glad I can still share something with my daughter!

A Bit of Reflection

Due to the recent visit from a good friend of mine, I've kind of started to reflect on my life and my situation.  In many ways, I'm pretty lucky to find a place where my kids and I kind of fit in.  The value of having a place I feel like I belong has seemed far too underplayed in my life.

As much as I've got a lot going on in my life that isn't great, I think I've got a lot going for me in my life.  Yeah, I'm getting divorced.  We're having a hard time getting all of our bills paid, so money is incredibly tight.  We live in a neighborhood that, well, isn't exactly one of those neighborhoods people want to actively get into.  In general, our situation isn't all that great.  In comparison to the other homeschool families I know that all seem to have money (aside from the friend who visited, because she understands where we're coming from), I've got to admit that I'm a bit embarrassed to have people over.  Of course, I'm not going to be like my mother was and refuse to let my kids have friends over.  I just need to communicate to these families that we're doing the best we can with what we've got.  No one can really expect more than that.  I know some people will judge us for it, but that's more their problem than it is mine.  If my kids can't be friends with theirs because we're all too happy to get second-hand clothing and we live in a poor neighborhood, maybe they're not the kind of people I want involved in my children's lives, you know?  Situation isn't everything and we're doing the best we can with what we've got.  The fact that we are willing to homeschool even with our limited resources should, at the very least, show how incredibly dedicated we are.

There really are a lot of families out there who would judge me on my situation.  I have to admit to the twinge of nervousness I have when I invite someone over that's clearly in a better situation than I am financially.  When I see their house is big, beautiful, in a quiet neighborhood (and quite likely, very expensive), it worries me to invite them back to our small upstairs three bedroom in a fourplex right down the street from the club with the worst reputation in town.  It makes them wonder how they're going to judge me, or if they just won't want to come over because of our situation.  It's not easy for me.

Thankfully, the co-op is filled with a lot of families that just don't seem to ask too many questions.  They don't pry into my life.  They don't ask what my husband does.  They've asked how I ended up here in Texas, so the divorce came up, but no one seemed to really have anything to say about it, beyond giving the impression that they felt it is what it is and our experiences make us stronger.  I seem like a happy person in spite of it all, and my kids are great, so why should it matter that I'm getting divorced?  It's a wonderful thing.  Everyone is so kind and supportive.  It just seems like a group of people that really gets me, even if they don't understand everything about me.  I'm not treated differently for having a face full of metal, two gauge earrings, and dreads in my hair.  I'm not treated differently because I show up in thigh-high striped socks and sneakers under my shorts and just don't look like what most people would expect when they think of "mother", never mind "homeschooling mother".  Then you throw in "unschooling mother" and I've gotten some really odd looks!  It's amazing what people can expect of you when you throw those labels around!

When my friend visited, I realized just how lucky I was to have her.  It's not often I find people who are as wonderful as she's been.  She's been there with me through the divorce.  We were pregnant together when I was pregnant with my littlest.  We've had countless conversations, and even a couple falling-outs, but in the end we're always friends.  On the last visit I got a laugh out of her forgetting the cloth diapers I pulled out for her when she left.  I know she can be flighty (and I don't feel bad judging because I think I'm worse than she is by far!) and it makes me smile with little things like that.  It's not just because I know she's forgetful, but also because it's almost like she planned it that way, so I'd have to see her again sooner rather than later!  She's the one that first told me about this magical thing called "unschooling", which really fit exactly the direction I was trying to go with my children.  I just wish I'd known about it sooner!  I would have felt a lot more confident in the way I was raising my children!  She thought I was so well-read on the subject, but I've got to admit, I wasn't well read on much to do with homeschooling and unschooling until I'd met her.  She made a huge impact on my life, more than I really thought she would.  Because of her, I've felt a lot more confident in my decisions as a parent, and a lot of the choices I've made in my life, especially recently.  I can't tell you how lucky I am to have her as a friend!

As she said, a lot of people have been having this great epiphany moment in their lives lately.  I couldn't place my finger on just how I was feeling, but that's exactly how I feel.  I've found a place where I belong.  There are options right in front of my nose, just screaming to be taken.  It feels like I've got work to do and I just need to figure out what direction I need to go.  I just want to immerse myself into this whole homeschooling/unschooling thing.  Suddenly I just want to give up a lot of the things that really get in the way of being the mother I want to be.  It's shocking how fast my children are growing up and in many ways I feel like I've lost touch.  I just don't know them anymore.  I don't know their hopes, their dreams, all because life has gotten in the way.  I haven't had the time to dedicate to them the way I always thought I would, and it's time to reconnect.  I've had that epiphany.  If I start living the life I feel I'm meant to lead everything else will just somehow magically fall into place.  Yes, it's going to require a lot of hard work, but that's part of the direction I need to go.  The work is all part of the journey.

Already in the past few weeks I've started making major changes in my life.  I've started to do the work and already the benefits are paying off.  My kids are all much happier.  I feel like I have a place I belong at the co-op.  I'm making connections with old friends that I really need in my life right now (whether I was willing to admit it in the past or not!)  Things are already starting to magically fall in place.  (Okay, so I guess it doesn't count as "magically" if it's really my hard work paying off...)  I've got a long way to go, but I'm definitely not going to let myself lose touch with my kids like that again.  With every step forward I'm getting that much closer to the vision of what I want in my life.  Isn't that a beautiful thing?

Parenting with Respect

I’ve been reading the book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason lately. It’s really got me thinking about the way I live my life. As parents, we all do our best to be the best possible parents we can be. We take the advice we come across and make of it what we can. It’s been an interesting journey for me. It really made me think.

When it comes to kids, I’ve kind of been missing the mark on what I intend to do. I get so frustrated sometimes. It’s far easier to think of my kids as being willful or bratty at times than to look beneath all of that to find out what the real problem is. In the moment when my daughter is wailing like a banshee, my middle son pooped in his underwear for the fifth time that week, and my littlest is throwing a fit over every little thing anyone does in his presence, it’s challenging to step back and look at the underlying problems. It’s so much easier to punish them and send them off to their rooms. They’re being bad and they really need to stop before Mommy blows a gasket. Can you blame me? Hasn’t everyone hit that wall? It’s the point where you’re so frustrated, wound up, and irritable that it seems like nothing you can do will ever stop the fighting, bickering, and general chaos. It’s that point where it’s so much easier to just do something to make them regret ever acting that way and be done with it.

This is kind of how it’s been. I’ve had to get used to constant bouts of “willful behavior” every time my oldest two’s father enters the scene. It started with his deployments to Iraq, but things got no better after he got back. There’s just something about his presence that completely undid much of my hard work. It was frustrating, and eventually lead me to turn from being the parent I wanted to be.


While he was gone on his first deployment I’d picked up Unconditional Parenting and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. I’d gone through them and started to work on some of the strategies proposed. It didn’t take long before my “willful”, stubborn, and outright challenging daughter started to show a very different face. She was fun to be around. We enjoyed having talks (even though I have to admit I didn’t spend near as much time with her as I probably should have). We were really able to connect. With all the other stresses in my life, I couldn’t manage to do much with her for more than an hour or two during the day, but I was making steady efforts to up my game and involve her in my life as much as I could, as long as I could tolerate before the constant questions started to drive me into madness. With very little support and a baby in the house, giving her the attention she needed was daunting, but I did the best I could. By the time my husband got back those two hours of time spent with a curious four-year-old didn’t seem quite so much like torture. She was actually listening to what I had to say, and the more we actually engaged each other in conversation, the better things started to be.

Unfortunately, that all changed when Daddy came home. He wasn’t at all supportive of the idea of parenting with unconditional love. When the kids were bad they need to be punished, and severely. He took almost a “scared straight” approach to parenting. He’d always encouraged me to use things like, “Your Daddy is going to be very upset with you if you don’t stop (insert name of bad behavior).” I was supposed to threaten them with Daddy’s love, even though he wasn’t there. It might have been different if they both got more love and affection from him while he was there, but he was very distant and lived by the mentality that children were to be seen and not heard. It very much appeared as though children were an inconvenience to his life at best. It was frustrating and the power struggles between my daughter and her father drove me insane. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with her when he wasn’t around because all the positive strategies I was trying to use went right out the window when he walked in the door. I was being too soft on the kids, so he said, and they needed stronger discipline. I was far too permissive. They needed to do exactly as they were told at all times, end of story.

In the time that he and I have been separated, we’ve been through a lot of trying situations. It seems like no one I’ve surrounded myself with understands the concepts of what I’m going for. I keep hearing, “You can’t let them get away with that!” and “Your kids walk all over you!” In a lot of these cases, an honest look at the situation makes me wonder what’s so wrong with it. When my kids get up in the morning I’m often met with my daughter waking me up to ask for breakfast. I’m honestly at the point where I’m ready to tell her to stop asking me and just go make it if she’s hungry. I try to get up when they do, but I’ll admit it’s not easy. Some days I just want to lounge in bed and listen to them go about their morning routine without being involved. The door to my room is always open, so I can hear if there’s trouble, and if they need me they can just come right in. That’s kind of my way of allowing myself the freedom to enjoy my slow start in the mornings, because I know how I tend to be. They come and ask a million questions. They want to play with their toys in the living room where all the people are. They like eating what they want off their plate, and while I don’t enjoy wasting food, I don’t believe in forcing kids to eat something they just don’t like.  I don't see what's so wrong with all of this.  In some cases, like not letting them shower for hours, it's understandable.  Water is expensive and we're in the middle of a drought, so I don't really want to be spending a small fortune on the water bill.  That money would do better to go to something for the kids or the house.  Aside from that, if they're hungry, shouldn't they eat?  If they've got a question, shouldn't they ask it?  If they want to learn, shouldn't they have every resource that's available to them?  Most of all, what's so wrong with just wanting to spend time with and play around the people that they love?  Isn't that a healthy behavior?

Looking at how most children are raised I'm starting to realize that our culture is heavily based on "no" and exiling children.  As child-friendly as America claims to be, I keep hearing reports daily about how restaurants want to ban children, airlines are banning children from first class, and grocery stores are talking about restricting the hours children can be present.  This doesn't tell me our culture is child-oriented or even child-friendly.  It tells me that our children are a hassle and an inconvenience.  I can't count the number of times I've heard parents tell their children, "Just go to your room and play!"  The same goes for telling them things like, "Stop hovering!"  My personal favorite is, "Stop bugging me!"  Inquisitive children are told to stop asking so many questions.  Children are sent away so adults can hold conversations without a million interruptions.  When they're disobedient they're punished, even if it is as gentle as "time-out".  More often than I see loving affection, consideration, and joy from parents who are out with their kids, it's often chastising, criticisms, and threats.  It's sickening!  What's most sickening of all is I've noticed I've done it too.

What kills me most about this is it seems to go against everything we want for our kids.  We want them to grow up to be respectful, creative, innovative adults that are truly capable of accomplishing what they want in life, but all too often they're not getting what they need out of the way they're raised.  Let's face it, if you were a kid in time-out your thoughts are likely not going to be, "Maybe I shouldn't do that next time."  No, it's more often something akin to, "My mom's so mean!  This is so unfair!"  Another common thought, one of my personal favorites when I was a child, "How can I do that next time without getting caught?  The way I see it, that was my only real mistake."  That doesn't show me that my actions are wrong, that I'm hurting other people, or that whatever I did doesn't serve my own greatest good.  Instead I was often taught the important lesson of being crafty and outwitting my parents.  Is that really the kind of lesson I want to teach my kids?

Earlier on this blog I was reviewing the book Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries.  While it did have a lot of good advice on stopping conflict, and fast, it seemed to miss the point of raising children.  The choices suggested to be offered weren't real choices.  ("You can turn the television off now or I can turn it off for you.")  It failed to address the fact that children act this way for a reason.  They're not testing you to see where their limits are when they do things they shouldn't.  Instead they're acting out for a reason.  Perhaps the little girl in their example of blowing bubbles in her cup wasn't just doing it to see what her parents would do.  Perhaps there was something going on in the family's life and she suddenly felt she wasn't getting the attention she needs.  Maybe there's a new baby in the house and she feels a little neglected.  What about the possibility that she doesn't understand how annoying her activity is and thinks she's just "doing science" as we've started putting it in our house.  Maybe she just wanted to watch the interesting reaction and helping her to understand why she shouldn't be doing that sort of thing will help her "make the right choice" next time.  Many of the examples of limit setting are respectful on the outside, but will still set your family up for additional conflict over time.  It doesn't teach children that their parents are there for them.  It doesn't teach children that they can come to their parents with anything without having to risk "being in trouble".  Instead it teaches them that their parents are the boss.  "What I say goes or I'll punch you in the nose," as my parents used to jokingly say.  Is that really what we're going for here?

I can only hope that when my kids are older I've been able to foster enough of a respectful, caring environment with my kids that they are comfortable talking to me, even if I'm not going to like what they have to say.  I hope that we can have open communication and a good understanding of why I put my foot down on the things I do.  I hope I can raise my kids to make the right decisions for themselves, not because it's what I want them to do.  Most importantly, I don't want my kids to be surrounded by a world of no only to go haywire when they finally do get that one yes.  Most importantly, I want them to know that they're loved for who they are, no matter how bad they mess up and how much I may disagree with the way they do things.  I just wish other parents could see it the same way.

My Little Artist (and Maybe Writer)

Just this week at the playground after the co-op, the girls were hanging out and working on art projects.  I had no idea what they were doing, and didn't want to bother them, so I just let them be.  My youngest was a handful enough given he didn't want to eat, drink, or do anything.  He was just miserable.  I just hoped my daughter wasn't imposing herself on the older girls too terribly much.  No one seemed to be complaining, so I didn't even think to ask her about it.

When we were leaving, my daughter said, "We were making ATC cards.  Can I finish mine when I get home?" I had no idea what these ATC cards were.  She was holding out a little piece of card stock that she was drawing on.  I had no problem with her finishing that when she got home.  It was just another drawing, right?

The past few days she's been doing nothing but drawing.  I'm a little afraid she's going to run us out of art supplies in the house!  While I've got two boxes of crayons, some colored pencils (though the pencil sharpener is MIA), and a bunch of markers, we've been going through paper incredibly fast.  I don't know if I can keep up with it!

Not only is she drawing pictures, but she's coming up with stories to go with them.  She told me the other day that she wanted to be a writer some day.  I told her she couldn't just illustrate her books.  She'd have to tell the story too.  Maybe that will inspire her to work on her other skills too.  She's starting to become a really creative story teller!  Unfortunately, that means she's going through paper even quicker to keep up with her stories.  I wish I had an infinite budget for art supplies!  I'd keep her going as long as she's got interest!

My daughter isn't the best artist.  She's constantly complaining that she's not as good of an artist as the other kids in her class.  It's understandable.  They've probably been working on art projects a lot longer than she has.  We haven't spent much as much time on art as maybe I'd like, mostly because of how fast they go through paper!  She's also younger than a lot of the girls in her class, and I don't give her any solid direction.  I want her to draw what's in her mind, not what I tell her to draw.  If she wants to draw a bunny, I want her to show me what it looks like to her.  If she's going to draw a sunset, I want to see how she sees a sunset.  I don't want to tell her how to do it or how to improve her skills because I want her to come to it naturally.  If she asks me for help, I'm not going to tell her to figure it out on her own, but until she asks me for help, I'm not going to step in.  I always hated when my mom criticized my art, and while it did make me a better artist in the long run (not that I ever got all that great), I don't want my daughter to go through those feelings of rejection.  Instead, I'll try and give her as loose instruction as I can, giving her the general idea and then letting her figure out how she thinks it will work.  She doesn't need me cramping her style!

So the other day when they were all out there, they were working on something they called ATC.  I had no idea what they were talking about, but when I got an e-mail about the homeschool play group on Friday, it was mentioned again.  The house we're going to has a pool, plenty of space for kids to run, and there would be craft supplies because they want to do ATC again.

Having no idea what ATC was, I had to check it out.  For all I knew it could be like all the kids in one class busting out in the songs from choir that they all knew.  It could be some religious thing that my daughter was sure to miss out on, simply because she isn't raised that way.  I wasn't sure how I felt about her getting involved with anything I didn't know about, religious or otherwise, mostly because I want to be aware of what she's doing and what she's getting into.  Being something the co-op kids do, I couldn't imagine it would be all that bad, but it's got to be better than the trends towards those teen pop stars like Taylor Swift or that Justin Bieber kid.

As it turns out, ATC stands for Artist Trading Cards.  There's another version called ATEO, which is Artist Trading Editions and Originals.  Basically they're little trading cards that the artist decorates with the media of their choosing.  They can hand these cards out for trade or sell them for a profit.  The general idea seemed to be that these are small samples of your artwork to be shared among friends and other artists.  The cards can be purchased in packs, or they can be cut by hand.  Generally they're made of some sort of card stock, but it looks like there's all kinds of materials available on the market.

I'm thinking when I save up a bit of money I may need to get my daughter some cards to work on.  They're small, quick projects and the girls from the homeschool group all seem to do them.  This would be something she could share with them while working on her art skills.  She could hand them out to friends or send them to family.  They're just the perfect size for sharing.  They may be a little bit on the expensive side when compared to the cost of drawing paper, but I think it'll be worth it in the end.

My little artist has come so far, from not wanting to do anything with art for so long to living for it day by day.  We're going to have a lot to work on, and she'll have plenty of new opportunities to work on her skills in the future.  I've already got tons of ideas on what new art projects we can do.  Now I just need to find the infinite budget so we can do them all!