The Broken Window, or Kids Being Kids

So, for those of you who are my Facebook friends, you probably already know about this.  The window in the kids' room was broken today by some kid throwing rocks.  Of course, four kids fled the scene almost immediately, and we all know how that looks.  We tried to get to the bottom of it all, and they did what you expect kids to do, covered for each other.  I've got a pretty good idea who did it, not that it matters, and from the sounds of it, he was already punished for his behavior.  I was more worried about getting a bit of honesty out of it all than I was about having some kid punished for it, but it really made me think.

When you're in a neighborhood with a lot of kids, things break.  That's just how it goes.  Kids throw rocks.  Kids play ball.  In general, kids are kids.  Narrow streets aren't really the place for kids to do much of what they do, but when they don't really have many other places to go, there really isn't much option.  Kids will be kids, and that's pretty much the way of it.

Of course, going outside, everyone saw the kids take off.  We had one of the kids that took off come to the window and point the finger on another of his friends.  He was trying to be helpful out of nowhere.  We tracked down the parents of the kids who ran, just to see if we could get a straight story.  Of course, they were all (aside from one of them) decently away from it and conveniently pinned it on a kid who was nowhere to be found after that.  This is after they said they didn't see it.  They were talking about how they didn't want to get one of their friends in trouble, but I got the idea that he was already in trouble.  There's not much I can do about the way other people raise their kids, but I was very frustrated that it came down to questioning all the neighborhood kids.

This brought a few questions to mind, the first of which being, "Where are all these kids' parents?"  Now, I know I was a bit on the sheltered side as a kid, but my mom was always within earshot.  One would think with all the kids on the street one of the parents would have seen something.  One mom (who was very nice) said she'd told the group that ran down the street to take their ball game down to the end of the street where there were fewer houses, so likely nothing would get broken.  She was upset because they kept hitting her car with their football.  She was really nice about the whole thing too.  She'd said flat out that she didn't know who it was, only that she saw them playing ball and apparently they went the opposite way than what she told her, which is worth noting because even if they didn't break the window, the least they can do is take their ball game down to the other end of the street next time so if a window breaks, they don't get the blame for it.

The next question in my mind was why kids have to be so afraid of breaking things.  I remember my friends and I breaking a window playing kick ball, and we were all terrified we were going to get in trouble.  Why should it have to be that way?  Why can't kids be rewarded or their honesty when stuff like that happens instead of thinking it's better to run away?

Perhaps it's the adults that start the whole reputation.  "You broke my window, now I'll have your hide!"  They make a whole big deal about it, when, in truth, if you live around kids, there's always the risk of something getting broken when they play.  That's just what happens.  It's different if they intentionally break or damage something, but if it's an honest accident, sure most people will be mad, but I know I'm not the only kid who's been around when a window got broken.  I know I won't be the last.  Why can't adults just take a deep breath and say, "I understand it was an accident, but you need to be more careful.  There's not much for it now, other than to fix the window.  Thank you for your honesty."  Then from there, depending on if it's a child you know really well or a child you just met, and the age of the child, you can either work it out with them on what needs to be done, or talk to their parents and see if you can all sit down and work out a solution.  Maybe they need to replace the window.  Maybe they need to do so much work at your house to "pay" for the damages.  In the case of an older kid, this would be a great solution, even if it is just doing some work on your garden or shoveling your walk.  Perhaps they just need to help out with the clean-up, if they're old enough to do it safely.  For a really young kid, maybe just a heart-felt apology along with showing that they understand why breaking something like that isn't very good would be enough.  I mean, accidents happen.  The most you can do is try to fix it and move on.  After all, you wouldn't go after a tree that fell through your window for compensation.  You wouldn't sue the lightning for striking, or a flood for ruining your garden.  The best thing you can do is show them why it would be good for them to be more careful in the future, show them how to take actions in the future to prevent it, and fix the problem, if possible.  In the case of these kids, I honestly think all I'd have wanted to hear is a heartfelt apology and a promise that they'll be more careful next time.  I'm not going to have to pay for the window to be fixed, so why should I demand they do it?  And, as a friend of mine says, "Accidents are called accidents for a reason.  If you meant to do it, it would have been called an on-purpose."  In truth, that's the best way to teach a kid to own up for mistakes that they made, and for most kids, if they know they aren't going to be in trouble and can find a way to make it better, they'll gladly take that option!

What about the parents of the kids?  It wasn't hard to see with these kids' parents why they ran.  One woman (who might very well have a guilty child as the other three targeted) blew up when her younger son was so much as asked if he saw who did it and who that child was.  She yelled at Chesh!  "You don't talk to my kid and get all up in his face.  If you've got a problem with my kid, you come to me!"  Even her own mother told her to calm down, that no one was "up in her son's face" and that we'd both already thanked him for being helpful.  Another father (who actually turned out to be very nice when he found out his son was innocent and that we weren't going to accuse him of anything) seemed to make his son afraid of getting caught.  The boy's older brother was actually very up-front about it.  He flat out called it, "Why would you run if you didn't do anything?  It makes you look like you're in trouble!  You know Dad wouldn't have been upset if you didn't run!"  Apparently the boy had already been in trouble with the management there for some other stuff he'd done.  They promised they'd keep the kid off our street for a while and supervise him, just in case he was a part of it all, because he doesn't need to get into any more trouble.  I told them the honest truth, he seemed like a good kid.  Another mom took her son back to the house and I don't want to know what happened there.  He was the likely suspect, right beneath the window when it happened and the kid that was seen throwing stuff near the houses and at windows.  But the question is whether these kids would have run or tried to cover for each other if they weren't so afraid of what would happen if they got caught?  If their parents would just try and resolve the situation, perhaps they wouldn't be so afraid of their parents finding out.  It seems like parents around here are all too quick to punish, and not quick enough to try and teach their kids to make things right.

I will say, in all of this, there was one kid who came forward with everything he knew and tried his best to be helpful.  His mom came to the door just as I was writing this.  First she asked if my mom was home.  I told her I was flattered, because I am the mom!  She was too funny about it too.  She said she heard her son was involved in the situation with my window and told him to spill, tell me everything.  He told me just as he'd told me the first time, straight off the bat.  I told his mom that's exactly what he told me from the start, and of all the kids, he was the only one to come up to me and tell me what he saw, who was involved, and help me track everyone down.  He'd given me names and houses.  On top of all that, he stuck around even when he knew he could have been in trouble for it.  I told her he was so incredibly helpful.  Even when the kids he'd pointed out started pointing fingers this way and that, he kept true to his story (though he didn't want to go into too much detail when the other kids were around, and I can't blame him).  When the kids said where they were standing when it happened, some of them changed their story around, but his story on where everyone was and what they were pretty much doing never changed.  He even told me twice that he was sorry the window was broken, wanted to help me clean up, and was glad no one got hurt and nothing else was broken!  I swear, I think his mom was ready to burst into tears!  There was no moment more touching when she said, "Come here" with that firm, but kind mother's tone.  He walked up to the top of the stairs with the look of a kid who expected to get in trouble when he was only trying to do the right thing.  She held her arms out to him and gave him a hug, thanked him, told him how proud of him she was, and that he was growing up into such a strong, kind, good man.  I swear, I almost started crying at the beauty of it all!

From what I understand now, the kids that were likely at the root of it all are kind of trouble makers anyway.  They aren't supervised and they get into a lot of trouble.  Their parents would just rather "beat it out of them" than try and take the time to find out what really happened and what could have been done about it.  One of them is apparently grounded for a year and the other one, who knows.  It's frustrating to see kids grow up like that, and this mother was really concerned that her son was hanging around with these kids.  However, I even told her how I thought she should be proud of him for doing the right thing, because that's all I ever ask, and that if some day it's him that broke my window in an accident, hopefully he'll have the courage to come to my door and tell me the story straight, because I didn't want any of them to be in trouble.  I just wanted an honest answer as to what happened.  He gave me exactly that.  I started all of this off with a concern about how many of these kids were going to grow up, but now I'm instilled with a sense of hope.  There are even more good parents out there than I thought!