Sustainability Tip: Home Made Cleaner

Over the past few years I've been hearing a good deal about the chemicals we've been exposing our bodies to on a daily basis.  It seems everywhere we turn there are more chemicals.  Some chemicals aren't so harsh on our bodies, like soaps, shampoos, and the like.  Others, like many cleaning products, are far more harsh.  There are a million recipes out there for cleaners to do any household chore, most of them very green and much safer for the family than the store-bought heavy chemicals.

After a visit to the ER for my poor, sweet baby boy today I decided we needed to do something about our laundry soap.  I know the boys and I have all had reactions to different perfumed laundry soaps in the past, but never as severe of a problem as my baby boy was having.  We can't positively identify the source of the problem, but the chicken pox turned into a bad rash which proceeded to get infected.  It's entirely possible that the rash was simply a bad combination of the open chicken pox sores and the bad reaction we had been observing with the laundry soap.  Because that skin was already raw and sore, it made the reaction go crazy, where as before it was causing a little minor redness at best.  The doctor recommended we not use cloth diapers until the infection clears up, bleach the diapers well to remove any chance of infection, and from that point on, change our laundry soap, just to be on the safe side.  If he breaks out real bad when we go to cloth again, obviously the problem is bigger than the laundry soap or some lingering contamination, and we'll have to either replace all our diapers or simply change to disposables, something I dread doing.  With luck, we'll be able to salvage the diapers and continue to use them.  As our diapers still had a residual smell after cleaning the last couple of times I washed them, I'm hoping a real deep clean is all that's necessary.

A few weeks back I was talking to some girls on an online forum about dreadlocks.  They had talked about deep cleaning solutions they have used for their hair.  Their deep cleaning process reminded me of the combination I was suggested for hand washing my diapers.  I decided after bleaching the diapers, I'm going to try out this combination and see if it does us some good.

Typically done in measurements, this cleaner can be used for hair, diapers, and I've heard of it being used for clothing as well, though I would definitely test it out on any kind of delicate fabric before you use it on anything with special washing instructions.  For my diapers, I've always kind of eyeballed it.  When hand washing, I usually mix it together in a tub or bucket full of water.  In a washing machine, I typically just add it as the water starts running, or after the water has already filled.  There are two very simple ingredients, baking soda, and typically apple cider vinegar.  Of course, some people substitute white vinegar as per preference for any number of reasons.  For use on the skin, apple cider vinegar may be a bit too strong.  Just be certain that it's all well washed out of whatever you use it on, be it clothes (check before they hit the dryer) or hair.  For those of you who prefer measurements, I've found information that suggests anywhere between 1/4-3/4 of a cup of baking soda combined with a cap full of vinegar.  I know a cap full is not a standardized measurement, but it's pretty easy to estimate.  I've found a couple resources that suggest 8 or so drops of tea tree oil and a couple of references listing lemon juice both with the vinegar and as a replacement for vinegar (an average of one to two tablespoons).  Keep in mind for mixing this to use in hair, you want to mix it well before you add it to your hair.  Obviously for dreads you will need to soak to penetrate all the way through each dread, but if you have normal hair, simply adding it to your hair and letting it do it's job for a while should do the trick too.  I've used it before and didn't even need to scrub my hair.  I just let it do it's job.  Unfortunately, with vinegar, it has a very strong smell, and rinsing it out all the way doesn't necessarily get rid of the smell as quickly as you might like.

So there you have it, a quick and easy cleaner for your hair or clothing that can be thrown together with simple ingredients from your grocery store.  I do apologize for the lack of formal measurement, but I've found that experimenting is really the best way to find what works best as all washers seem to be a little different.  I also find I need to use more baking soda on diapers than I would with regular clothes.  Personally, I'm not a huge fan of using it on my hair as my hair doesn't feel as soft as I'd like afterward, but some people do swear by it.  For me, I'm glad I remember mixing all of this to wash diapers.  It saves all the chemicals that are even found in free and clear products.  Better still, it saves money!

Setting Limits Chapter 2: How Parents Teach Their Rules

This second chapter describes pretty well exactly what you would imagine it would.  Each action a parent takes communicates more than just the rules to a child.  It can also communicate mixed messages, statements that don't make sense, and invitations to test limits.  This chapter focuses on three approaches to communicating messages to children and how those messages communicate rules.  These three styles are listed as punitive, permissive, and democratic approaches.

The first discussed is the punitive approach to communicating rules.  The first example is a mother with two quarreling boys.  They diagram this interaction, which was an interesting way to look at how the situation was handled.  In this example, the mother's aggressive approach to disciplining the children and playing investigator to place blame not only causes the situation not to be resolved, but escalates it.  The second was a situation with a father who was stuck in a stale-mate with his own son.  In this example, the father admits that his father was the exact same way, to which he reacted with rebellion and anger, exactly like his son was reacting to his own discipline techniques.  Though this is a very vague description, the author makes a pretty good case for why this kind of discipline system does not work.  In the diagram you see what is communicated to the child with this approach, that all the power is held by the adults, parents are responsible for solving all problems, and hurtful or violent means of communication are acceptable.

The second discussed is the permissive approach to communicating rules.  In the first example we revisit the mother with two quarreling boys.  She tries to convince the two boys to stop fighting, but all her pleas, appeals and lecturing leave her with a determination to take away the toy they were arguing over.  Unfortunately, she is easily persuaded to give the toy back and finally gives up on the whole thing.  In a later example they talk about a child who never does what he's told and seems to believe that rules are not made to be followed.  He ignores his mother and pushes her regularly to the point where she can't take it anymore.  This may be an extreme example, but it goes to show the point.  In a permissive approach, children hold all the power, parents must again solve all the problems, parents are there to serve their children, and children learn to be self-centered and disrespectful.

The third approach is considered the democratic approach, though it's not really all that democratic.  It's more just a word to communicate that it's the balance between the two systems.  I have an extreme issue considering it democratic when it's got no sense of democracy to it, but we'll go with it for the sake of the review.  In the case with the mother, she quickly comes in and communicates that there's a problem and it will be resolved.  She allows the children cool down time before they discuss the problem, then goes on to come up with a solution.  She encourages the cooperation of the children and directs them to a swift resolution of the problem.  The second example is a three-year-old blowing bubbles in her milk at the table, who swiftly has the cup removed from her after a warming.  The one thing I do not like about this chapter is it states that the child gave the father a defiant look.  I'll be honest, I doubt in this case the child's look was what I'd consider defiant, but a lot of people view things differently when it comes to defiance.  The author points out that this form of discipline helps the child learn how to resolve the problem, they have freedom within their limitations, but limits are firm.

The chapter goes on to explain the mixed approach though it doesn't go into much detail.  This is used more as an opening to show how these parents who used the mixed approach were able to deal with bad behavior through this "democratic" communication style.  The example shows the child rebelling against it until he realizes he's not going to get away with his old tricks.  He then (of course) ends up complying, begrudgingly, and so changes the family's negative pattern.

The questions at the end of this chapter really focus on helping parents learn to identify these parenting styles through examples.  The goal seems to be to help identify the negative traits of each role so we might better recognize them in ourselves.  While I do value the concepts illustrated with these questions, I will admit, they do kind of make my eyes glaze over.

As I looked at my own life throughout this chapter, it was pretty clear where some of our problems have their roots.  For example, much of the reason my daughter resists my partner when he's enforcing the rules is the way he handles her.  More often than not he's very strict.  That incredibly strict nature leads her to want to push and rebel against him even more, especially where her father was so incredibly strict.  With me, I know I've had days where I fall into being permissive because I'm just too tired and worn out to bother with being firm.  I'll admit it, more often than not permissiveness is born out of laziness with me and I do sometimes fall a little towards the punitive side out of apparent need and encouragement from other parents and friends.  It's given me a lot of points where I can identify my own problems with my kids, especially my challenging older daughter, to try and get our household back in a little more order.

I have to say, while there is some of what  he's listed that I don't agree with, for the most part, his reasoning is pretty sound.  The points I don't always agree with are how to respond to a child's actions, like taking a cup away from a three year old for ten minutes because they were blowing bubbles.  I know from having a three year old that in ten minutes, they probably won't even be thinking about why the cup was taken away anymore.  It's the same reason why time-outs are set at one minute for each year of age.  Still I can see some value in what he's trying to get at here.

A Greener (and More Fun) Christmas Card

Yes, I'm still on the holiday shopping kick.  It's the holiday shopping weekend!  Everyone is out on the town, spending tons of money trying to hit up all the weekend sales.  It's the first official weekend of Christmas shopping (even though the Christmas decorations have been up in stores since the Halloween ones came down!), the sales are ripe for the taking, and shoppers are going nuts!

What am I doing?  Well, I haven't gone out holiday shopping at all.  I don't know how much shopping I've got planned in the first place!  I doubt I'll be doing much, and I'll let you in on a little secret, some of it's already done!  Instead I'm pondering what I should do this holiday season that would help make the world a greener place to live.

That's when I started thinking about holiday cards.  Yes, everyone sends out cards each year.  These cards help clutter and clog the very veins of our postal system, along with the countless packages of holiday gifts sent long distance and packages ordered by mail.  These cards are a tie back to an earlier time when the postal system didn't feel quite so much like a burden on society and very few people dreaded getting their mail every day.  Instead, they were overjoyed and delighted, wondering what new correspondence they would receive.  Would it be their Great-Uncle Jim that always has such interesting stories to tell?  Would it be a friendly and slightly overbearing letter from their mother reminding them that though they're away from home, they're always welcome over for dinner any time?  Would it be that friend from school all those years back that now lives half-way across the country with her new husband and kids?  Even for children, the mail was always a source of excitement for what new and interesting things would come.  Even catalogs can get a child's imagination soaring!

It hit me then.  People don't have a personal touch on anything like they once did.  Families don't write letters anymore.  Few of them even e-mail regularly.  Cards are pre-printed and informal.  Many of them don't even include the personal touch of a letter or note.  They're just plain printed cards that someone throws their name along the bottom and maybe the name of the person they're sending it to on the top and that's all.  They call it a day, as though that somehow sums it all up.  "Dear Aunt Becky, Hope your Christmas is filled with wonderful sweet memories! Love, Alice".  Is that the kind of message we want to send?  I've thought about the idea of reviving the family newsletter including stories about what everyone had been up to for that calendar year, but that seemed too standard and impersonal.  If I'm going to take the time to write my family for the holidays, it should be personal and from the heart.

Four years ago (wow, it's hard to believe it was that long ago!) my family lived back home and visited my aunt several times throughout the holiday season.  She had a wonderful idea of making cards for everyone in the family.  We would mail them or hand them out on Christmas day.  My daughter loved it.  She had so much fun!  We ended up doing this for Valentine's Day and Saint Patrick's Day too.  It was a lot of fun, and each family member got an item hand-made for them with love by a wonderful three year old girl!  I've kept telling myself I'm going to revive the tradition, but when we've made cards they've only ended up going to local friends of my daughter.  Making it to the post office for each holiday was just too hard.  I have to admit, I've regretted not doing it.  I miss the cute cards my daughter would come up with, and it was a wonderful opportunity to work on her creativity and art skills.  My son never got to make his own, but I think he'd have a lot of fun with it.

This year I'm considering getting up the motivation to do it again.  It really doesn't have to cost much.  In truth, we can get away with some paper, envelopes, glue sticks, scissors, and some crayons, all of which are in the standard homeschooler's box of goodies anyway, well, maybe not the envelopes.  I could also pick up a collection of stickers, stencils, or any number of other things to use on the project.  If we wanted to save on postage, we could simply tuck both cards into the same envelope to be mailed out.  I've seriously considered reviving that as a part of arts and crafts time this year, and as a way to start opening up communication between my kids and their extended family, to show them that we all really do miss everyone!

This isn't just a great craft for the kids.  This can be a great idea for anyone!  If you don't feel terribly artsy, there's always programs like Print Shop that can help you design your own cards to print off.  Instead of making your own cards, you could always stuff each card with a hand-written letter specifically to each friend or relative.  Don't know what to write about that would interest them?  What about telling them about thing you did together that always makes you smile to think about it.  For example, for my aunt, one thing that I think about and makes me smile is watching her help my daughter make cards.  Especially this time of year I think of my Uncle sitting at the piano playing Christmas carols while the whole family sings along on Christmas Eve.  I remember my uncles bouncing me from lap to lap to show me how typing works on a computer, and bouncing me back to the beginning whenever someone said we hit the "return key".  It's funny how no one calls it the "return key" anymore.  It's always "enter".  I remember my great-aunt sitting in my aunt's living room talking everyone's ear off about the Highland games and the history of our family as it relates to the Scottish clans.  I only wish I hadn't been so distracted by everything going on so I could actually listen to what she had to say on all of it!  It was so interesting!  I remember my mom staying up late at night to finish working on a teddy bear she was making, or on her machine trying to finish our Halloween costumes in time.  All of these things remind me of good times with my family.  All of these things are moments I could easily share with them, just because I want them to know they've given me yet another reason to smile.  Tell them stories!  Write them that funny joke that you knew they'd just get a kick out of!  Whatever you do, make it personal.  That's why I say hand-written, because typed up pages are so impersonal.  Let them know exactly how much they mean to you, and that you've taken the time to write them something personal from the heart.

So this year, instead of buying cards, slapping your name inside, and sending them out, consider making something personal.  You can even use recycled materials!  If nothing else, why not include a really sweet letter from the heart into that store-bought card you found that was just perfect for Grandma Grace for a little bit of a personal touch.  This year do something different.  This year show your family just how much they mean to you.  Let's make it personal.

Another Green Suggestion to Holiday Shopping

This weekend's crazy sales have got me thinking a good deal about holiday shopping.  While everyone else is out raiding the sales, I started to think about some ways I could handle my own holiday commitment without, well, ending up committed!  Yesterday I talked about the benefit of home made gifts.  Today I want to think about those family members that simply aren't...well...the right match for hand-made crafts.  Let's face it, not everyone in our lives is willing to accept something that isn't store bought with excitement and joy.  Some will just shove it to the bottom of the closet and only pull it out when they know you're coming to visit.  To keep everyone happy, I've decided there are some people I just won't do crafts for.

Of course, handling the holiday crazies are bad enough when you've got people on your list to shop for, but I don't believe in going out of my way to shop for presents.  With the crowds and traffic of the holiday shopping weekend, often times it isn't worth it to go out just to hit up the sales.  There are plenty of alternatives to hitting the big sale weekend shopping and they'll save you on effort and gas.

Here's a few of my suggestions for getting all of that holiday shopping out of the way:  Some of these will definitely help you save some money during the holidays too!

1. Plan ahead.  Know what you're going to buy everyone in advance and where you can buy it.  If you don't know what to get someone, search around online for some ideas.
2. Stick to your list.  I know it's really tempting to change plans when you see that perfect gift for Aunt Mary, but you'll likely go through that about ten times during this holiday season.  Changing plans is a great way to get off budget or overbuy for your family because you simply "can't resist".  However, this is the perfect time to pull out a notebook and start getting ideas for next year!
3. Calculate your holiday budget.  Come the holiday season I can't count how many people I've known who stress about how they're going to afford everything they need to get their family for Christmas.  I know many families that put themselves into a great deal of debt, sometimes so much it takes the whole next year to pull themselves out of it.  Other families are choosing which bills not to pay so they have a little more for the holidays.  Instead of going broke for the holidays, just sit down with your family budget, calculate your expenses (if you haven't done this already) to see how much you have left over for holiday spending, including big family meals, something to bring to the potluck, whatever engagements you'll have.  You can also see where you can cut the budget for the month if you don't think you'll have enough to comfortably cover all your gifts, such as eating on the cheap for a while.  Once you've got that, calculate how much you can budget for each holiday need, decorations, cards, a tree (if you buy one each year), and shopping.  This should help you stay on track throughout the holiday season without going broke (unless you choose to!)
4. Keep within your budget.  If something you had planned to purchase turns out to be more expensive than you thought it was, take a moment to consider whether you can really afford to put out the extra money.  Also keep track of any items you get on sale or otherwise manage to save on.  If you've managed to hit great sales and stay well under budget, it's a lot easier to justify spending a little bit more on something that cost more than you estimated.
5. Plan holiday shopping trips with your other errands.  If you know that quirky little parenting shop you plan to get those cute diaper covers for your expecting sister is right near the grocery store, plan to go on your grocery shopping day.  If the book store is right near the post office, stop in while mailing out your Christmas cards, picking up packages, or buying stamps.  If you've got a bunch of locations that aren't near any of your scheduled errands, set them up in localized groups to save on gas and traveling.  Remember, the less you have to drive, the more you save on time and the less pollution you produce to damage the environment!
6. Check for sales and see if you can work your errands to coincide.  For example, if there's a great weekend sale where the toy you're buying for your niece is going to be 50% off, perhaps you could get up early to hit the post office's Saturday hours.  Sometimes these sales don't always hit, but it's worth keeping an eye on.
7. Don't wait until last minute!  Last minute shopping leaves you prone to panicking.  This doesn't do anyone any good.  You'll also be less likely to find the item you're looking for if it's a hot ticket item that year.  Shopping early allows you time to find the gift, even if you can't find it at the first locations you check, and if all else fails, you can always order online with plenty of time for the package to arrive.

These are just a few of the things that help me get through the holiday season without too much trauma.  I know many of these sound like they're obvious, but you wouldn't believe how many people don't know how to use these simple tactics to make the holidays as little stress as they can be.  With all of the plans for travel, arranging for big dinners, and everything else, there's plenty of stress to the holiday season.  Why add to the problem?  Just take your time, plan it out.  Budget, and enjoy the holiday season.  Isn't that what it's all about?

Green Alternative to Black Friday Shopping

What is it about Black Friday that gets everyone up and shopping?  I know it has some of the best sales in the country, but are we really that much of a consumer culture?  I've been dragged shopping on Black Friday with a friend of mine and the sales may have been good, but the crowds were horrible.  I didn't really see the point.

Shopping on Black Friday also isn't great for the world around us.  Think of all the fumes expelled from vehicles as shoppers race from store to store.  Think of all those pollutants!  Then there's all the extra electricity use so stores can be open longer hours, earlier in the morning and later at night, if not all night.  All of that energy adds up.  What about all the people who eat out rather than eating a nice home-cooked meal because they're already out and it's convenient?  All in all, it's not the greatest concept for the world around us.

This year instead of hitting up the Black Friday sales, I'm looking for alternatives.  I've already decided many of my gifts this year have to be hand-made.  I guess a Black Friday sale at the yarn shop would be quite dangerous for my budget, but that's about it.

Making gifts has a seriously positive impact on the world around us.  Not only are the gifts made from the heart, and therefore have personal value, they're also higher quality than many store-bought items.  These items frequently come at a lower cost and require less energy to make.  Aside from making the materials themselves, the only energy expended is that of making it yourself, which leaves a much smaller impact on the environment.  After all, at most you'll eat more.  Hand-made gifts require more thought, since you're not going to spend all that time to make something the recipient will hate.  They're also generally more useful than many store-bought items.  Hand-made items come in such a variety too that there's always something for everyone.

This year while everyone else is running around doing their Black Friday sale shopping, I'm going to be taking some time to truly enjoy the start of the holiday season, kicking back and spending some time with my family.  Yes, I might miss the sales that so many other shoppers are hitting, but at least I'll know I can spend some quality time with my family and my room mates, possibly even making up some Christmas gifts while we're at it.  I think that's more than worth it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just thought I'd share a few of the things I'm thankful for this holiday season.  Yes, just a few, because this list could go on forever!

1. I'm thankful for my children.  They make me miserable some days, but I love them.  What would I ever do without them?
2. I'm thankful for my loving and supportive partner.  Yes, we have our days.  We have our fights.  We have our challenges, but he's still wonderful and I love him.
3. I'm thankful for homeschooling.  Why?  Because I know my children will get a good education and it doesn't mean waking up at the crack of dawn every morning to pack them out the door for school.
4. I'm thankful for my aunt, who sends all sorts of wonderful educational material for my kids.  She also sends lovely hand-crafted items too!  I appreciate it more than she might ever know!  I mean, how many people do you know who will send a book on decomposition so that your kids can learn more about that big pile of compost in the back yard?
5. I'm thankful for my friends, since I don't know how I'd get through my life's challenges without their support.  I don't know what I'd do without you!
6. I'm thankful for my boyfriend's new job.  His regular schedule is making our lives so much easier.
7. I'm thankful for the roof over my head.  Some people simply take that for granted, but I've come to learn that having a stable place to be is more of a blessing than most people know.
8. I'm thankful for my grandma's advice, even though I don't always want to listen.  I've found there's a lot of wisdom in it, even if I choose to do things my own way.  More often than not, it's all derived from something she's suggested I do...even though in most cases, it's taken me a couple years to figure it out.
9. I'm thankful for a clean house!  A clean home is a happy home.  On top of that, I have no reason to fear any unexpected visits from friends, families, state agencies, or anything else.  I know tons of parents fear CPS, and I know plenty of families that are terrified that a friend might just drop by.  In a clean home, there's no reason to ever have to worry!
10. I'm incredibly thankful of the social worker that's helping us right now.  Without her, we wouldn't have had the reason to get my youngest to the hospital and find out he has chicken pox on Monday night.  Because of her help, the other challenges we've had with getting his documents in order with the state should finally be taken care of.  Isn't that what those agencies are for?  So yes, I'm incredibly thankful!

Setting Limits Chapter 1: Why Limits Are Important

I have to say, Setting Limits is perhaps the first book I've read that really talks about why children need firm boundaries and limits in their life, and I don't mean in the typically expected way.  Time and time again I've read parenting books that talk about setting limits so your children know what behavior is acceptable and what is not, with no regard for why your children need to know.  It comes across as "this is the rule because Mommy says so!" and there's no deeper understanding than that.  In this case, it's not about what the rules are, but why we need to have steady and reliable enforcement of those rules.


Yes, this chapter does go over the expected aspect of limits helping children define what kinds of behavior is acceptable and what is not.  It talks about how children "do research" and rules and boundaries are just one more way that they learn about their environment.  He mentions how children can measure their own growth and maturity as their limits get removed or made less restrictive, which is also a common topic.  However, it takes the whole concept on further than that.  The author, Robert J. MacKenzie, talks about how limits define relationships.  In truth, it's more the ability to enforce limits is the defining part of the relationship.  It's that whole idea of a power play.  If the child knows they can take the power, then where do they feel that they stand in the whole hierarchy of the household?  If they don't have to listen to their parents, doesn't that make them in charge?  On a related level, they talk about limits providing security for children, which makes a lot of sense.  If your parents roll over and die on a subject the first moment you give them a little resistance then how are they supposed to care for you and ensure for your safety?  It's definitely not something most parents think about.


The rest of the chapter goes on to talk about healthy boundaries and the results of ineffective boundaries on a child's behavior.  Outlined the way MacKenzie has written them, it does make a lot of sense.  He breaks things down into the groups of punitive parents, permissive parents, and inconsistent parents.  He also gives a good example for each category, followed by a good example of what balanced boundaries bring as a result.  While I have to say that I think all parents have moments of inconsistency, and none really fall into the punitive and over-controlling or permissive and under-controlling category, I can see some value to the examples he gives, especially as most parents tend more heavily to one direction or the other.  The whole thing is capped off with a small section on rules changing as children grow.


At the end of the chapter there's some parent study questions, sort of food for thought for anyone who is reading the book.  Since this book is based on a parenting workshop, it shouldn't be surprising.  I think all of the books I've seen of this nature have parent study questions, exercises, or something at the end of each section.  It makes perfect sense!  It's the best way to digest the material, and, more importantly, take what you need from it.  While I'm not going to go through and answer all the questions here, I do think it's valuable to put some of my observations of myself into this whole thing, in part because it solidifies it to see it in writing, but also because it kind of keeps a record of how things change, how my family is growing and adapting with each new step we take, and as a proof that I am only human and have my own flaws.  Finally, if you get a glimpse of what I'm observing about myself from this book, it gives you a much better idea of what you might learn from it than any cut and dry review ever could!


While I've grown a lot as a parent, I can see where my major flaws are.  As a parent, I tend to be really inconsistent.  By nature, I lean towards the permissive side.  When I was younger I kind of feel like my parents were very much the same way, more that they just didn't care what I did, so it didn't matter.  While, on the whole, I was a good kid, I did fail in most of my classes because I just didn't care to do my homework and had no work ethic in general, something I'm still struggling with today.  I was heavily pushed by my two oldest's father to be really strict with the kids.  If I wasn't strict with them, he would be and would take it much farther than I thought acceptable.  Punishments would last for hours on end for something incredibly simple and not even something I considered a punishable offense.  As a result of feeling pushed into being incredibly strict, I was forced into a sense of inconsistency.  I didn't really have the proper tools on board to be as strict as I was encouraged to be, so when I'm strict, I yell and get angry, not something I find productive, and I'm a bit too harsh on my kids.  I tend to do things like put them in time-out for longer than intended or give them punishments that don't make sense to fit the crime, both habits I had largely managed to avoid in my daughter's younger years but felt pressure to take up those behaviors.  I can also see another source of our tension, but it doesn't really relate to this chapter, or possibly this book at all.  It has to do with the actions I model, something else that's a hold-over from my own childhood and upbringing.


My partner has the same bend towards being too strict, though certainly nothing like my older two's father used to be, and probably still would be.  His family life was filled with rigid rules that he fought against every day.  Instead of helping him learn not to do the things he was being punished for, he would fight against it, break even more rules, and rebel.  Why should he care if he was just going to be punished anyways?  He and I have had some long talks about establishing boundaries that we can all live with, but in his eyes, it all comes down to respect.  Children are supposed to be obedient and that's the end of it.  More often than not the kids fight against his rules because they don't understand why the rules are even there to begin with, and he doesn't take the time to explain it so they can understand.  His idea of punishments don't always make sense either.


As a result, I've kind of been pushed to keep up with the strict side of things, even though I want to have a relaxed and casual home environment.  I get reminded regularly that my kids are "out of control" mostly by my older two's father, but my partner occasionally picks up the same sentiment when they don't listen.  To be fair, they're not out of control.  For the most part they are safe and pretty well mannered.  They're just kids acting like kids.  They're just not always obedient and respectful.  However, being more strict doesn't always lead to more obedient and more respectful kids.  In truth, it's been leading to the opposite.


Though my older two's father and I couldn't make it work, what my partner and I need to do as parents is step up and work together on this one.  We need to present a united front that's honestly balanced.  If nothing else, I know my kids will feel much more comfortable and be much more willing to follow the rules when they know why the rules are in place and they have a steady and predictable outcome to every rule.  Knowing they'll get one result from me, another from my partner, and yet other reactions still from our room mates is only going to serve to confuse them.  At least if my partner and I can keep some sense of consistency and balance, we'll be providing them with a family unit that gives them something they can rely on.


In all of this, I really do need to recognize that there's a lot of work to be done.  My partner and I both need to sit down and work on some techniques for communicating more positively with the children.  I know he's not their father, but he's been a consistent male role model in their lives for pretty much the past two years.  While I'm not going to push upon them that they need to look at him like a father or step-father, they do need to respect him as an adult and as a part of the family.  They need to be able to respect me as well, and if I'm a little more laid back and relax (with or without being overly permissive) and someone else is overruling everything I say, that teaches the kids they don't need to listen to me just as much as if I don't uphold my own limits and boundaries.  The situation might be different if he wasn't such a constant in my life.


We've got a lot of work to do.  That's one thing I will give this book credit for.  I can't say yet whether I'll agree with all the techniques provided, but I can already say, it's proven it's point.  It pinpointed one of the major conflicts my partner and I have been having on and off over the past two years, how to handle the children, and why my daughter in particular feels she can get away with breaking the rules and blatant disrespect towards the adults in her life.  We'll see how things go from here.

Chapter by Chapter Book Review Intro: Setting Limits

A couple years back I got a book from my grandmother for Christmas.  The book was Setting Limits by Robert J. MacKenzie.  I have to admit, after reading other books on parenting techniques, and knowing the way my family seems to view things from an outsider's point of view, I had a feeling this book and I would clash.  I'm very much an easy-going kind of parent, and I didn't want a book that would tell me that I had to train my children to be obedient and that was the end of it.  I wanted my children to have the freedom to question the rules so they could understand them.  This goes back to that whole Charlotte Mason habit training thing, you know, the subject I just won't let drop!  I'm sure you're sick of hearing about it by now!

Anyhow, I'd read this book, well, at least part way through it when I got it in the first place.  I put it down and failed to pick it up again when my children's father got home from Iraq.  I suggested he and I sit down and read it together, that it would help us both out with the children.  He swore we didn't need a book to tell us how to raise our children and he would get the children in line, so the book got dropped aside and I let him try things his way.

To be honest, I'd forgotten all about the book for quite some time.  He and I decided to get divorced, in part because of how he was with the children.  I had been trying to employ techniques from another book I'd gotten and was having resistance because the children didn't have any kind of consistency in their lives.  I felt like I was fighting them all the time.  I felt like I was fighting their father all the time.  Unfortunately, unless both parents are on board, no technique will ever last for long.

Some time after their father and I separated and I was already with my current partner, I'd found both this book and the other sitting on my bookshelf.  I decided to pull them out again.  It could be an interesting read, right?  It might give us something to work on together.  My children were still fighting me because of their habit of having such inconsistency between Mom and Dad.  My partner wasn't exactly on the same page as I was, so I thought reading a couple books together might help us find a balance point between us, some middle ground that the whole family could benefit from.  Of course, much is the trend in my life, things got chaotic and the book was put down before I could finish it.  Not only that, but my partner was so against reading it that he would look for any excuse to get out of it!  I think it's got to be a man thing.

Just recently with this whole Charlotte Mason habit training thing, I was reminded of the techniques I had been so striving to use with my children.  How had I gotten so off track?  I had taken all of the beliefs and practices I swore I'd use with my children and thrown them out the window!  This simply couldn't be happening.  As a result, I decided to come back to this book and a couple other books.  I decided I'd read through them and this time I was going to finish every single one of them.  As this was the first book I'd found, this would be the first book I started with.

I've decided to do two things with this book that I haven't done with any other book review I've done in the past.  I'm going to go through this book chapter by chapter and express how I feel about it.  I'm not going to re-write the book out in the blog.  If I were going to do that, I might as well just read you the whole book!  However, I'm going to share what I learn about myself, what I discover about my family, and the changes this book makes in our home life, if any.  If you're reading this blog, you're already following my journey through homeschooling, a struggle towards green living and sustainability, home and family life, and so much more.  Isn't this just one more layer?  More importantly, I'll have a way to check in and make sure I'm staying on track.  After all, if I start writing about doing things that are totally contrary to what I believe, or for my friends who see me regularly, I'm sure I'll get a whole slew of people reminding me to get back on track!

Charlotte Mason, Another Look

After being so quick to bash her techniques in an earlier blog post, I decided I needed to go back and review the subject more.  Before I say another word, I just want to be clear, just because I feel uncomfortable with the idea of habit training and I feel some of her concepts are rather outdated (which further research showed exactly why she sounded like something out of the Victorian era!) doesn't mean I feel her whole system should be scrubbed.

I'll admit freely that I didn't know much about the Charlotte Mason method of homeschooling.  I'd heard it mentioned now and again, but I'd never been able to get a full story of what it's really about.  My first instinct was to write it off because it's Christian oriented, but it's easy enough to write out the Biblical portion and substitute another spiritual path and mythology instead.  I've come to believe that spirituality, and it doesn't much matter what, is an essential part to raising children.  I've noticed that all of the more successful families I know (not based on income level, but on how well the family really functions together) have some strong sense of spirituality, even if it's a truly spiritual connection with their family and the world around them.  It seems like the magic equation for a happy family, well, at least one of the factors.

After reading everything I did about habit training and avoiding what she considers to be dumbed down materials for kids, I have to admit, I was kind of turned off by the whole thing.  While I do see far more value to reading classic literature to my kids, or stories that have become more classic, like Nancy Drew, I don't see a problem in them reading a book that really doesn't engage them as well as the classics might.  After all, if they can read it themselves, isn't that valuable?  And I grew up reading books about My Little Ponies and other non-engaging literature and I've grown into a woman who is getting into Shakespeare (a HUGE fan of the bard...), Alcott, Hawthorne, Austin, Dickens, and Twain.  I'd take the classics over trashy romance novels and fad-fictions like Harry Potter and Twilight any day.  I like my books to be engaging and brilliantly written, even if they are all about facts and educational subjects.  Who says non-fiction books on any subject need to be dry and dull?

I guess the impression I got was that everything I did with my kids had to be very grown-up and there was no room for pointless things.  Between habit training, a focus on adult material, nature walks, journaling, and everything else, I felt like the general feel was to take all of the childishness out of childhood!  Does that seriously mean I shouldn't let my son watch Transformers because it's useless drivel that doesn't actually teach him anything?  I think my little man would be crushed!

As with Waldorf and many other styles of homeschooling, I think the answer isn't really all in.  If it was an all or nothing requirement, I doubt I'd be able to homeschool at all and would simply throw my hands in the air and give up.  I'm finding I don't like any system well enough to incorporate it 100%, though Waldorf tends to be the closest, but it's completely unreasonable to use the Waldorf system in it's truest nature in this country.  That would mean not taking my children anywhere until they're older because there's recorded media everywhere!  How could I work on music for my dance shows?  I guess that would mean using headphones all the time.  Well, you get the point, that to follow it to the most exacting little piece is simply unrealistic for my family, the same goes for any system.

On a serious note, let's look at our kids here.  How many of them fit into these pre-determined molds other people think they should fit into?  How many of our kids really work in a standard way, you know, predictable by society?  They're not little automatons here and they really have a lot of individuality.  Add to that all the differences we face in culture and standards of society and it shouldn't be shocking that any one system won't flawlessly fit all the needs of any family.  Keeping that in mind, any system I choose for homeschooling my kids is going to require a lot of thought and careful adaptation to make it work for my family, and just because it works for mine doesn't mean it will work for someone else.

In an attempt not to "throw the baby out with the bath water", I kept looking into the Charlotte Mason theories behind homeschooling.  Already I could see the value in teaching what's been referred to as "living books" and not dumbing down educational material for my kids.  While I don't think her theory on "twaddle" (being anything that's dumbed down for kids) being useless works for my family, I do think that education should be about, well, educating!  I already use that in my homeschooling just as a factor of who I am.  I have a habit of using words my children couldn't dream of understanding when I talk to them, especially on educational subjects, and then I have to go back and clarify just what I mean.  I don't see this as a bad thing!  After all, how else would my children learn to use these kinds of words.  When a three-year-old can say he doesn't understand something, that's a good thing!  When they can use a variety of words to describe any situation, that's kind of what I'm about.  As time goes on, I'm sure that trend will continue, and maybe they'll end up teaching me new words at some point!  So I have to say, on a base level, I do know there was some I did find worked for me, some of which I was already using, so perhaps this would be worth more research.

The whole idea of reading the classics to my children, to be honest, I'd been doing that without direction from some outdated authority on homeschooling.  The fact that she and I completely agree on reading classic literature with complex sentence structure and stories that positively come alive and engage the imagination, that doesn't really surprise me, and goes to prove that some things never change.  The inclusion of the works of Beatrix Potter simply spoke to my heart, as those were some of my favorite stories as a child, and still are when it comes to children's literature.  Obviously she and I would get along on some things if we both considered classic literature a part of a good education, after all, my daughter and I have already listened to a very good audio telling of A Tale of Two Cities, Frankenstein, Little Women, and Turn of the Screw.  We sat down together to read Through the Looking Glass and The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, two of my favorites, and were just working through Peter Pan when moving prevented the finishing of the story and I'll have to dig it out again.  Not only do these works encourage a higher reading comprehension and literacy, but they're also simply wonderful stories.  There's a reason they're classics!  While I'll admit, some of them are a little old for my daughter (and I didn't even realize she was listening in on them with me until she started to comment on the stories!), at least she's interested!

Looking further into the system Charlotte Mason suggests, I'm finding that a lot of it is things I'd already set out to do, and for many of them, were things I was already doing!  Some of it got dropped for practicality reasons with moving and all of that, but much of it falls under my idea of what an ideal homeschool system would be.  For example, back to the books, she encourages use of living books and whole books, since excerpts and abridged versions leave so much of the important meat of the story out.  I totally agree, and the idea of living books just makes learning fun.  If you're reading the book and it truly captivates your interest, you're going to turn the page and keep on reading, but if you find it dry and dull, you'll put it down and never want to go back.  We had an old book called The Way Things Work when I was a child.  I can still remember reading something in there about how a toilet works.  Yes, it was a science book, but it was a science book that was interesting to read.  It's one of the reasons the Idiot's Guide and For Dumbies serieses sell so well.  They present the information in a way that's a lot more interesting than a tech manual, easy to digest, and a fun read.  If all educational books were that way, I bet everyone would enjoy them! It's not just what is read, but how it's read too.  I mean, any book, no matter how interesting the story, would sound dull if read in Ben Stein's classic monotone drone.  However, with a good, engaging reader, the story gains depth and color, allowing the imagination to truly do it's work.  Again, this is why I can appreciate the bardic ideal held so strongly with Waldorf educations.  When the reader knows the story by heart, they can tell it from the heart, making it truly come alive.

The whole concept of narration is something I've been drawn to do with my kids, and I think it's got something to do with the way I was raised.  I'd read a section of the book and turn to my daughter saying, "Uh-oh...what just happened there?" and excitedly she'd tell me what was going on.  We also started a thing with the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, given that the kids know my partner by the nickname of "Oz".  She would joke that he was really the Great and Powerful Oz, so she would have to tell him every detail of the story after we'd read it.  She would draw pictures of our family as a part of the story sometimes, or would simply draw out scenes from the story.  We would be walking down the street and she'd suddenly launch us into our journey to find the Great and Powerful Oz (who was walking with us the whole time in disguise, but we didn't know that).  She'd be telling us about every piece of the story, showing off just how much she'd really gotten out of it.  I could always tell when she'd really gotten into a story because it would come up time and time again throughout the day.  When I was younger my mom used to have this series of Native American stories that she would use at Girl Scouts.  I need to track down copies of them because I think those stories were also a part of the reason why I'm so drawn to the idea of using something other than words to express the ideas in a story.  Each of the stories was followed by a craft project that directly related to the story.  Keepers of the Night, Keepers of the Earth, and a couple other titles were on that list.  I'm sure my mom could tell you the whole list of them!  She probably still has them all.

Nature walks and daily walks were both things I used to incorporate at one point in time, and hope to pick up again.  For a while we would take once a week trips out to somewhere with actual nature and go for a walk.  Unfortunately, we've found many of the local nature trails and hiking trails to be rather lacking in, well, nature.  We're looking for new outlets for that, but apparently Central Texas doesn't value it's wild areas like they do back home.  We would also take walks every evening.  The excuse was to walk the dog, but the whole family would go out for a nice long evening walk.  It was beautiful in the evening, not too hot and not too cold, though in the winter daytime walks were better.  The habit left us as my older two's father got home from deployment the first time, then again when we moved into the country and high speed roads with no sidewalks got in the way.  Again, these are two concepts I'd incorporated without even know this Charlotte Mason woman even existed!

Handcrafts was something I'd always wanted to incorporate, but was truly encouraged into it when learning about the Waldorf system of learning.  They're valuable life skills!  Well, some of them are these days.  Basket weaving, knitting, embroidery, and even sewing to some extent are no longer necessary in our machine made, take-and-toss culture.  However, I do feel they have value, especially with this turn towards harder economic times.  If I make something, it has more value, both in the time spent occupied in making it, and in the physical quality of the item versus a store-bought one.  There's that personal value too, which makes the item something special, and it's far more worth it to fix than to simply throw it into the trash.  Most importantly, it teaches children that there is more to do in leisure time than playing video games and playing.  They learn a productive and valuable skill.

In reading her ideas, I've found other inspirations with Charlotte Mason that I hadn't previously thought much about either.  Art appreciation, for example, was something I'd highly overlooked.  Of course, that's with good reason.  When I go to an art museum, I spend all of a minute or two glancing at each particular work, then move on.  I was never taught to study, to have an in-depth interest.  I'd like my children to be able to truly look at art for it's complexities and the emotions it stirs up, not simply think, "It's pretty".  I love the idea of nature journals.  I almost wish someone had encouraged me to do the same when I was younger, as with the idea of a journal in general.  I used to keep one, so as soon as my children master enough writing skills for it, I think it would be wonderful for them too.  It would give them a chance to look back and see how much they've grown, learned, and how much more complex they become over time.

Overall, there's a good chance an earlier version of me would have looked at the works of Charlotte Mason and thought it wasn't for me or my family.  I would have written it off on her idea of habit training and the emphasis on copy work and dictation, two things I think are incredibly dull and wouldn't likely inspire a love of learning.  I would have ignored some of the wonderful aspects I would love to incorporate into my current style of homeschooling, and definitely wouldn't have seen the parallels with what I'm already doing!

Over the years, I've really evolved as a homeschooling mother.  I went from flitting from one system to the next because I had no idea what I was doing to trying to settle down with one system after the next on a long term basis, only to find some of the requirements completely impossible for my lifestyle and financial status.  I'd decided to scrap it all and just make it up as I go along, ignoring tried and true methods.  Now I think I've finally found where I belong, and the more I learn about each style of educating the brilliant young minds of tomorrow, the more I realize I have to pick an eclectic path.  It shouldn't surprise me with the way I like to pick and choose on what I do in every other aspect of my life.  I need to take the good and recognize where a system is too restrictive for my tastes and families, or when I find them absolutely ridiculous.  When I write something out (for example, the habit training), I need to write in something else (such as this no-punishments, no-rewards parenting I've been trying to work into our lives for the past three years and keep dropping the ball!) so that everything is covered.  I can blend in what I like if I find something that's non-essential, but I think would work incredibly well for my family.

All in all, as outdated as Charlotte Mason is, I can understand why she's still used as such a wonderful resource today.  Just because some of her concepts, in my mind, are so largely replaced with more balanced modern concepts, such as in discipline and proper behavior, much of it can be included flawlessly into a modern household.  Even the ideas that aren't outdated, like the habit training I harp on so much, can be adapted very well to work with the standards I've set.  For example, I may not be all for training my children to have a long attention span from birth, but rather than training them to be attentive, instead I'm trying to encourage them to have interest in a wider variety of things.  In a way, isn't that kind of the same thing?

After having been so brutally bashing against the habit training idea the other day, I thought it would be worth it to go back and take a look at the whole system.  Without a look at the greater system, I'm sure I come off as totally uneducated about Charlotte Mason and completely biased against anyone with an idea or two I don't like.  On top of that, just because I don't agree with one aspect doesn't mean I don't value any of it.  This deeper look at Charlotte Mason was truly something I think I needed at this stage in my life.  It's just one more moment to prove I really am on the right path.

If I Let Them...

Once again, I've been inspired by The Artsy Eclectic over at Literary Magic!  In her writing she talked about letting the kids have some time off, watch some television, and how some people would be horrified at that.  "If I let my kids do whatever they wanted, they'd watch television all day long!"  She linked this article, which I thought was absolutely hysterical.  Do you know why?  Because my experience with my kids has proven all of these wonderful, caring, and concerned parents wrong!

First off, let me tell you, when my older two's father left for military training, I didn't have the energy to deal with anything.  I was depressed, pregnant, and at home with a three-year-old girl who missed her daddy.  I missed him too.  It was winter, to top it off, so the weather was miserable and dark all the time.  I didn't have the energy to fight the television fight, so I let her watch it, as long as she wanted, as often as she wanted, I didn't care.

Let me tell you, in that first week I was so sick of children's programming that I never wanted to hear another kid-oriented theme song again!  I didn't want to hear the bubbly children's show voices.  I didn't want to be faced with yet another day of nothing but mind-numbing chatter geared towards making children think.  I was so glad that the children's programming stopped at three!  I swore I couldn't take much more of that.  She would never do anything with her life but watch television!  I was going to go insane and have the worlds most brain-rotten child!

Some time in the next week, while I was driving myself crazy with trying to find something else for my daughter to do so I wouldn't go insane, it happened.  I almost didn't notice it at first.  It was subtle.  Yet at the same time, it was shocking.  I looked over to her favorite spot on the floor by the television, but my daughter wasn't there!  All that remained was her pillow and blanket!

In a somewhat frantic state that my daughter wasn't in front of the television for some reason that didn't involve hounding me for something or other, or screaming like a banshee, I shot out of the chair to find her.  There were so many things she could get into, not that I was really concerned.  It's just that frantic state of "the children are being too quiet" and that's when you know they're getting into trouble.  I half expected to see her bedroom walls covered with crayon marks.

Sure enough, she was in her room, but I didn't see any kind of maliciousness going on.  Actually, she was quite calm, playing with her toys on the floor, talking to herself.  She was completely peaceful.  I asked her if she wanted to watch television anymore.  She said no.  I asked her if I could turn it off.  She said no.  I asked her if I could put on something I wanted to watch.  She said yes, so I just shrugged, put the news on, and assumed she just wanted it for the background noise.  At least it was something more interesting than children's programming.  I could use something different.

We went on this way for another week before she started telling me I could turn the television off when she was done.  Then in another week's time she would beg for the television to go on, and would only sit in front of it for one show, which she decided was her favorite, Calliou (because he had a baby sister and she was going to have a baby brother), and would then go off to play, not thinking about the television again.

For the longest time I didn't have any problems with her.  I found that she just wanted the television or the radio to be on more often than not.  She didn't like things to be quiet.  It was the same way when her dad deployed later that year.  It seems while he was gone, the quiet was too much for her.  As long as I let her have some noise in the background, she never even seemed to stop and watch it.  Occasionally a favorite show or movie would come on and she'd actually sit down to watch it, but television very quickly got boring.  It was only when her dad started restricting her television time when he got back that we had problems out of her again.  Even now, I notice when I let the kids have the television on all the time, they almost never watch it!  They just play with it going on in the background!

What about sweets?  Who hasn't met a child that won't eat an endless amount of sweets if given the choice?  Let me tell you, I have.  My daughter learned at four-years-old why I was so mean and didn't let her have all the candy she could possibly want.  She was bugging me for her Halloween candy that year.  She wanted it so badly and I was horrible because I refused to let her have it.  Finally, I got so fed up that I dropped the bucket of candy in her lap and said, "Fine.  If you think you know what's best for you, have as much candy as you want.  If you get sick from eating too much candy, don't expect me to feel sorry for you.  You did it to yourself."  What happened?  She ate all the candy, of course, a whole bucket full.  While we were running to the store later that day to pick up something or other, my daughter started to whine.  I asked her what was wrong and before she could answer, she threw up...all over the car, her lap, everything.  I cleaned her up as best I could with what I had in the car, then handed her (quite appropriately) her now-empty Halloween bucket to throw up in if she had to again, reminded her that's what happens when you eat too much candy, and drove home to get her cleaned up.  She felt a lot better after she had some good, healthy food in her system.  To this day she remembers that you throw up if you eat too many sweets, and has always been sure to limit herself accordingly.  We haven't had a problem with her eating nothing but sweets since.  Yes, we do occasionally have problems with getting her to eat at meal times because she doesn't want what we're having, but she doesn't overdo the sweets anymore.  In truth, I could leave all the candy out and available, telling her she can have as much as she wants whenever she wants, but she doesn't over-eat it anymore.  Now we just need to work on teaching her how to make things last and making sure there's enough for everyone!

I've found more often than not, the things that parents regulate for their children's own good often don't need to be regulated.  Any college kid can tell you that while it sounds fun to live off of chips, tacos, and Ramen, after a while, it gets old!  Having lived off of nothing but fast food and meals other people cooked for nearly a whole deployment, I've really lost my taste for fast foods.  I'll take a home cooked meal over fast food any day!  I let my kids eat nothing but mac and cheese and hot dogs for a month.  By the end of it when I started throwing down baked chicken and rice casserole, stir fry, and other things they wouldn't have touched before, they were devouring it like it was the best stuff on earth.  My daughter is even getting to the point where play time is boring.  She'll come to me saying, "There's nothing to do but play and watch movies!  I want to do something else!"  We've been doing a limited amount of homeschooling lately.  There's just not a good place to work with her and she's been a little burnt out.  However, doing very limited amounts is having it's intended effect!  Now instead of asking to go play every five minutes, when I put words in front of her asking her to work on reading, she eats it up!  When we start talking facts, she wants to know more constantly.  I often hear her say, "This is so much more fun than playing!"

So, I let you be the judge.  Are any of the statement in that article true?  Do you really need to regulate your children's time to ensure they will learn?  Do you really think that, if given the option, a child would eat nothing but sweets, never sleep, and watch all the television they want without ever getting bored of it?  Well, my children are a perfect example of how that's not necessarily true.  I hate to say it, but sometimes letting them burn out is the best way your kids can learn that you really can have too much of a good thing.

Habit Training, the Programming of Children

A good friend of mine just gave me some food for thought with her blog.  My friend, The Artsy Eclectic over at Literary Magic posted some information about her family's unschooling progress, and with it, a couple of links.  One of them completely caught me wrong, and maybe it's just me.  I don't know, but in my mind, programming my children to think, act, and behave in a certain way isn't entirely my goal in life.  I want my children to be free-thinking adults.  However, perhaps there is some benefit to this article.

Personally, the idea of social programming is the reason I wanted my children out of schools.  I don't want them to be molded into exactly what everyone else feels they should be, least of all, the school system.  I want them to have the independence and freedom to know what interests them, know when they're tired, and know what they want to do in their lives.  Now I'm hearing that I'm supposed to train my children?  The examples used here seem to go against everything I believe in my core.  More importantly, I'm starting to get the idea that this Charlotte Mason person is, well, outdated to say the least.  I will admit, I've never read any of her works, but it very much sounds like something I could have expected from the turn of the century.

The first example in this article is training your children to pay attention.  While I do see value in getting your child to pay attention, I don't think it should require "training".  It sounds too much like we're treating our children like animals.  It's mentioned in the article that what you wish the adult to become some day is what you must train them to be as a child.  Perhaps I'm reading too much into this, but doesn't that almost feel like I'm controlling my children's destinies?  What about their own visions, goals, dreams, and independence?  In the case of attention, I don't feel I should have to train my children to pay attention.  I should certainly encourage them, but the more I think about it, it's not about paying attention at all, but keeping their interest.  If I can't pay attention to a four hour lecture on the subject of shoe leather because I simply don't care about the topic and it has no real impact on my life, why should I train them to pay rapt attention to such a subject?  More importantly, I really feel that it's not so much about training my children to have long attention spans and to pay attention when they're supposed to.  I think it's more in encouraging my children to have interest.  The example used of the mother shaking the toy to keep the baby interested, is that really about training to pay attention?  Or is it more encouraging the child to have a deeper interest?

Let's use the example of my own eleven month old son.  He's got this favorite toy that we call Mr. Frog.  It's one of those little security blankets with the rattle inside the frog head.  It's got two little arms sticking out.  I hold Mr. Frog before my youngest.  He pulls it from me, and much as his teething has him driven to do these days, shoves it in his mouth.  In a few moments, he's bored and tossing it on the floor.  I pick it up and shake it.  It rattles!  Excited, he takes the toy from me again and shakes it, squealing with pleasure at this!  While one might figure he already knew that, he's a baby and they're prone to not having a long memory.  He rattles this thing for quite some time, and then he gets bored.  He tosses it.  Did I really teach him to have a longer attention span, or did I just encourage him to become interested in this new feature of the toy?  Was he really paying attention longer, or was he perhaps investigating to see what else this cool toy that flaps around and rattles when he shakes it can do?  Is it possible that he tosses the toy, not because he's got no attention span, but because he's certain he's figured everything out about it and he no longer has interest?  Or perhaps he's really telling me, "Mommy, I'm done with all of that.  Show me something new I can do!"

The example speaks of a child left in a room with ample toys, flitting from one thing to another with less care and interest than a butterfly.  I'm not sure I believe that's true.  After watching three babies of my own and countless babies of friends, I don't think I really believe that at all.  Yes, babies tend to go on from one thing to another, but if you watch, they always find something of particular interest and go after it until they've exhausted all of the possibilities of what it could do.  They're little scientists.  They're exploring to figure it out.  However, at a young age, they're also learning to express themselves.  Each of my children has gravitated towards different kinds of toys when they were babies.  As a baby, my daughter preferred stuffed animals and anything that made lots of noise when you pushed the buttons.  My older son hated toys like that, preferring anything he could stack.  His biggest interest has been books since the first moment he's been able to get his hands on them.  He's also gone in and out of wanting to play a drum.  My youngest, he prefers things that move, make sounds, and require physical action to get some kind of result, like shaking Mr. Frog to create both motion and sound.  He likes hitting plastic water bottles against different things to see what they do, including his own head!  He likes things he can pull out of another object, or things he can put in.  Anything that he can open and close is a sure winner.  Does that mean they've all got short attention spans because other things tend to fall by the wayside with them?  I don't think so.  After all, you give my youngest a water bottle and he's set for hours on end.  You give my older son a stack of books and he'll be lost for a good long time.  With my daughter, sadly computers and video games are more her style, but the point is, if their interest is held, they can pay attention for what seems an endless amount of time.  Doesn't that kind of mean that the trick isn't in training them to have a long attention span, but in encouraging their interests in a wider variety of things than that which they're naturally inclined towards?

The second topic suggested was obedience.  From the sounds of it, they're talking the blind obedience that's so well favored in the military.  The idea is that your children should cheerfully respond to any request their parent should make.  If they're told to go to bed, they go to bed without question.  If they're told to come in from playing outside, they come in.  If they're told to play in their room, they go play in their room.  They do not do otherwise unless told to.

I have to admit, with the way my kids tend to get under foot when I'm doing things, or come into my room ten times when they're supposed to be in bed to tell me something, I start to see the value in obedience training.  Unfortunately, we get back into the realm of training animals.  A properly trained dog sits, stays, and rolls over on command.  Do I want my children to be the same way?

More importantly, I've built a huge foundation in my life upon one simple phrase, "question authority".  How can I in good conscience question authority in my life and expect my children to blindly respect my own authority.  I guess in that case, I've already made my bed and now I have to lie in it.  I'm the one that's going to have to put up with the example I'm setting for my kids.

By questioning authority, I don't mean telling off any person of authority because they're wrong.  I don't mean saying, "What gives you the right?" when being told what to do.  I mean question why the authority is in place.  Question the rules, not so you can find a loophole to disobey them, but so you can understand why they're in place, and perhaps even fight to change any that don't make sense.

For example, if I set a rule in my house that states no one will ever wear shoes past the front hall, I'm not expecting my kids to just ignore it and run crazy in the house with their shoes on asking, "What gives you the right to say we can't wear shoes in the house?  All our friends do it!"  What would be fairly questioning authority would be, "Why can't we wear our shoes past the front hall, mom?  That seems like a silly rule.  None of my friends have a rule like that in their house!"

Then I could respond with something like, "In our house we don't wear shoes past the front door because shoes can track mud, dirt, and water all over the house.  All of that dirt, mud, and water has to be cleaned up, so to make our lives easier, I decided we shouldn't wear shoes in the house."

In response, my children have the freedom to decide it's a good rule, or suggest a way it could be done better, such as everyone takes turns cleaning the floor so everyone can wear their shoes in the house, or that wearing your shoes in the house is okay when you're coming in from outside to get a drink or to go to the bathroom.  I'm certainly not saying that the children should write my house rules, but I find that when my kids truly understand the rules and why they are in place, they respect them a whole lot better.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that, really.  After all, I wouldn't want to train my children to, say, listen to anything an adult tells them to do.  After all, we know that there are bad people in the world, and they're not all strangers.  While I do want my kids to go to bed without question, I know they're a lot more likely to go to bed on time when they know why their bed time is in place.  They're much more likely to eat the food I put in front of them when I explain to them why I want them to eat it, not just enforce it as a rule that they must eat it all.  They're far more likely to clean their room when they understand the logic behind it.  More importantly, I feel it will help them to make their own rules and set their own standards when they're older.  Some day they may have kids of their own and need their own set of house rules, and I don't want them to blindly raise their kids like I'm raising them.  I've seen too many families that justify everything as good, healthy, and right because, "that's how I was raised and I think I turned out okay."  I want my kids to make decisions in their lives because they feel it's the right thing to do, not because they were programmed for obedience at a young age.

One example, in particular, really strikes me as off on this article.  When the children are told to go upstairs when a "caller"/guest arrives, they beg to stay downstairs on the grounds that they are quiet, which they are not.  This is shown as an example of why children must be obedient.  In my eyes, I see no reason why my children shouldn't be able to make bargains like that, just as long as they hold up their end of the bargain.  As soon as the children are not doing as they promised, they're sent directly upstairs, no ifs, ands, or buts.  The next time they ask to stay downstairs and play quietly when a guest is over, they're reminded of what they did last time and are told no straight off.  Perhaps next time they'll be given another chance.  I don't see the harm in allowing the children to stay downstairs if they're holding up their end of the deal, and it will teach them skills like bargaining and negotiation, which are vital throughout life.  It will also allow the children to feel they have some power and control over their life, and it's not just arbitrary decisions made by the parents.

Yes, I do see value to obedience and children doing as they are told.  Unfortunately, I see no benefit to training blind obedience.  As said in the article, if you want a child to be something as an adult, you need to train them as a child.  Well, I want my children to be independent, free thinkers who understand the reasons behind the rules in their lives and don't just blindly obey.  In order to have that, training obedience is kind of contradictory to the cause.

I've put a lot of thought into how I want my children to be when they grow up.  I've had some wonderful conversations with other parents on the subject.  I've changed a lot of my parenting style as time goes by.  I've learned a good deal from one book, in particular, which I'd recommend to any parent who wants a family that functions more harmoniously, but doesn't necessarily want children who are trained in obedience, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen so Kids Will Talk.  It's been a huge inspiration in changing the way I work with my kids to help them understand they too have control in their lives, and this isn't just about doing what Mommy says.  There's a reason I make the rules I do.  Another book I find incredibly inspiring on the subject is Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason, which talks about parenting through unconditional love and fostering a harmonious family through respect, not through obedience and discipline.

In my eyes, who cares about "training" your children?  They're not animals, and as my friend, The Artsy Eclectic, said so wonderfully, "Who wants mold anyway?"  I truly feel that raising children in this world so filled with hatred, pain, and suffering is so much more than a factor of training them to be something we want them to be.  It is instead about opening their eyes to possibilities, encourage their interests, encouraging exploration in the world around them, and most importantly, letting them figure out who they are in this vast world of infinite possibilities.  There's value to allowing them choices, letting them make up their own minds, and helping them understand when obedience is necessary and why.  There's value to teaching them to respect not just their family members, but every living being around me.  Forgive me if that sounds like too much of a break from the regulated and regimented system so many people flock to these days, a system that is so well demonstrated in our school system.  I know it's an out-there concept, something that sounds like it was left over from the hippies in the '60s.  I know a lot of people will positively find my ideas fluff.  That's okay too.  I can respect that, but training my kids is not for me.

I don't want my children to be like that lamp post, as beautiful as it was, convinced to grow in an unnatural way simply so someone could craft something beautiful out of it.  I want my children to grow up wild and free, to be exactly the way nature intended them to be.  It's not my job to decide what my children will some day be.  It's my job to give them all the tools possible to craft their own lives.  It's my job to make sure they can look beyond the obvious path to see the wide rainbow of options before them.  It is my job to show them the world so they never have to look back thinking "I wish I had known!"

By the way, I want to send a huge thanks to The Artsy Eclectic, for being such an inspiration, and for being a wonderful part of my support system.  She is the one who has given me the confidence and the courage to say many of the opinions on this subject I've expressed today.  I know in her humble, modest way, she'll tell me I'm giving her way too much credit, but she really has no idea how much she has inspired me.  Thank you, The Artsy Eclectic!  May you go on to inspire and encourage thousands more!  It's people like you that change the world!

Turning Over a New Leaf

Today starts another chapter in my family's lives.  It wasn't all that long ago that I set out with all these goals, to live caffeine free, with a respect for the world around us, to recycle when possible, to be active and healthy, and to truly live our lives as an example to others.  More often than not, I'm finding I fail at these tasks.  No matter what I do, it seems there's always more work to be done, and I'm dropping something else I intend to do.  I'm really dropping the ball on everything because every time I move on to step two, I forget to keep going with step one, and so I have to start all over again.

However, today marks a very special day in my family.  Not only is it the last Friday before the insanity of official Christmas starts, but this is the first day of a new life for us.  We're not moving.  There's no additions or removals of family members.  There's nothing overly dramatic that's causing a major shift in our family.  We're not even facing something negative we need to cope with.  Instead, we've just taken one more step towards having a normal family, or as close to one as we'll ever get.

Today my wonderful partner started training for a new job.  He was formerly employed as a delivery driver.  He still plans to keep that job for part time work, but he no longer needs it as a primary source of income.  Instead, he's working a normal desk job, working regular hours with predictable days off, and better still, a steady forty hours every week.  That means we'll have regular and predictable paychecks coming in, something we never had with his previous job.  This means our family has just gained a huge sense of stability.

How is this causing our whole family to turn over a new leaf?  Doesn't that just mean we've got an easier schedule to work around and we no longer need to try so hard to make our routine work?  Isn't this just one small step for making our lives easier?  I wouldn't think any of that would warrant the beginning of something new in our lives, or something so dramatic as to be considered starting a new chapter in our lives, so how is it I'm qualifying this as such a dramatic change?  I guess it's just that our lives are about to become a whole lot better, and I mean that far beyond my partner's new job.

Just knowing that my partner will be working a more regular job has already changed my whole outlook on life.  I no longer have to worry about whether or not he's eaten at work or is even hungry when he gets home.  I'll know about when he has his lunch, and I'll know he'll be hungry when he gets home.  Most nights I can have dinner on the table by the time he walks in the door, even if it means I'll have to heat some up for myself when I get home from dance class.  I know the kids will have an easier time holding to their bed times because we won't be running such crazy and unpredictable hours since we'll all know when dinner time is and on most nights can sit down to it together, or as much as you can when you don't have enough chairs at your table.  From then, bed time and all of that can flow on schedule because everything else will be on time.  We'll be able to work our homeschooling schedule in the mornings again, and not have to worry about my partner interrupting because he wants to spend time with us all before he leaves for work.  I can even have his lunch packed and ready for him the night before.  If I get really good at this, perhaps we can even manage to have breakfasts together in the morning too!  I'll have access to our car during the day, so that means I can take the kids to the homeschool co-op, kick ball days, and everything else without having to worry about my partner's schedule.  I may even look into getting my daughter enrolled in soccer!  I think my older son is too young to register this year.  In other words, this one small change has caused a huge cascade of other changes in my family, so we're all going to see a lot of difference for the better!

Best of all, the biggest effect in this chain reaction is the food we're eating.  I know I've been in the bad habit of eating out a lot and all of that.  It's kind of been a standard in my life.  It's so much easier to eat out or grab a meal that comes in a box and only needs some love from the microwave to make it ready.  While these meals can be quite good, I mean that in the use I've heard "quite" means in Great Brittan, not America, "slightly better than mediocre."  They're decent, edible, tolerable, but certainly have nothing on a home cooked meal.  I miss making home cooked meals.  I miss going all out with an entree, a couple side dishes, and some bread or rolls to go with it.  I miss having serving plates full of stuff to choose from.  I miss that feeling when I'm done eating that I could easily just pop with how incredibly full I am, and then there's still leftovers for the next day!  I miss knowing my partner will never have to worry about what he's going to take with him for lunch in the morning because there's always something good.  On top of that, I'm sure the whole family will start feeling a whole lot healthier when we're eating not just enough, but enough food that's really good for us!

My partner sent me a message today saying he thinks this new job was definitely a good change for him.  What I don't think he sees yet is this job was definitely a good idea for all of us!  Our whole quality of life is already starting to change, and it really didn't take all that much.

Rising Bright and Early

Since we've gotten to this new place, I haven't been much of a morning person.  To be honest, I've been getting up as late as I can possibly manage, enjoying my ability to sleep in.  Teaching dance classes makes it hard to get home, wind down, and get to bed at a reasonable time.  When I'm leaving my class at 9pm, it's not like I can just hop on home and into bed.  I'm far too wired.  It's meant my schedule is all mixed up.

Today I'm feeling like I'm made of lead.  I had to get up this morning to go to an appointment.  The cold morning air was a blessing.  Without it, I think I might have been asleep at the wheel!  I felt groggy, and still do.  A part of me doesn't think I can function through the rest of the day and just wants to take a nap!  But I'm up and awake, so I'm going to run with it.

I'm really going to have to be a morning person soon.  My partner just got a new job with more regular hours, which means getting up early to drive him to work so I can have the car during the day.  It's not like I'll need the car every day, but I can actually get something done while he's at work.  I can do all the grocery shopping, errand running, and all of that.  I can get the kids involved in the homeschool co-op, which I think would be wonderful for them.  It would give them a chance to get to know some other kids their age as well as learn some really fun new things.  I'm almost looking forward to that.

In the grand scheme of things, I'd forgotten how much my life is better when I'm up and functioning in the morning.  Being an early riser has always been a struggle for me, but I find I'm more productive and functional than when I allow myself to sleep in.  Perhaps this will be a change for the better!