Setting Limits Chapter 1: Why Limits Are Important

I have to say, Setting Limits is perhaps the first book I've read that really talks about why children need firm boundaries and limits in their life, and I don't mean in the typically expected way.  Time and time again I've read parenting books that talk about setting limits so your children know what behavior is acceptable and what is not, with no regard for why your children need to know.  It comes across as "this is the rule because Mommy says so!" and there's no deeper understanding than that.  In this case, it's not about what the rules are, but why we need to have steady and reliable enforcement of those rules.


Yes, this chapter does go over the expected aspect of limits helping children define what kinds of behavior is acceptable and what is not.  It talks about how children "do research" and rules and boundaries are just one more way that they learn about their environment.  He mentions how children can measure their own growth and maturity as their limits get removed or made less restrictive, which is also a common topic.  However, it takes the whole concept on further than that.  The author, Robert J. MacKenzie, talks about how limits define relationships.  In truth, it's more the ability to enforce limits is the defining part of the relationship.  It's that whole idea of a power play.  If the child knows they can take the power, then where do they feel that they stand in the whole hierarchy of the household?  If they don't have to listen to their parents, doesn't that make them in charge?  On a related level, they talk about limits providing security for children, which makes a lot of sense.  If your parents roll over and die on a subject the first moment you give them a little resistance then how are they supposed to care for you and ensure for your safety?  It's definitely not something most parents think about.


The rest of the chapter goes on to talk about healthy boundaries and the results of ineffective boundaries on a child's behavior.  Outlined the way MacKenzie has written them, it does make a lot of sense.  He breaks things down into the groups of punitive parents, permissive parents, and inconsistent parents.  He also gives a good example for each category, followed by a good example of what balanced boundaries bring as a result.  While I have to say that I think all parents have moments of inconsistency, and none really fall into the punitive and over-controlling or permissive and under-controlling category, I can see some value to the examples he gives, especially as most parents tend more heavily to one direction or the other.  The whole thing is capped off with a small section on rules changing as children grow.


At the end of the chapter there's some parent study questions, sort of food for thought for anyone who is reading the book.  Since this book is based on a parenting workshop, it shouldn't be surprising.  I think all of the books I've seen of this nature have parent study questions, exercises, or something at the end of each section.  It makes perfect sense!  It's the best way to digest the material, and, more importantly, take what you need from it.  While I'm not going to go through and answer all the questions here, I do think it's valuable to put some of my observations of myself into this whole thing, in part because it solidifies it to see it in writing, but also because it kind of keeps a record of how things change, how my family is growing and adapting with each new step we take, and as a proof that I am only human and have my own flaws.  Finally, if you get a glimpse of what I'm observing about myself from this book, it gives you a much better idea of what you might learn from it than any cut and dry review ever could!


While I've grown a lot as a parent, I can see where my major flaws are.  As a parent, I tend to be really inconsistent.  By nature, I lean towards the permissive side.  When I was younger I kind of feel like my parents were very much the same way, more that they just didn't care what I did, so it didn't matter.  While, on the whole, I was a good kid, I did fail in most of my classes because I just didn't care to do my homework and had no work ethic in general, something I'm still struggling with today.  I was heavily pushed by my two oldest's father to be really strict with the kids.  If I wasn't strict with them, he would be and would take it much farther than I thought acceptable.  Punishments would last for hours on end for something incredibly simple and not even something I considered a punishable offense.  As a result of feeling pushed into being incredibly strict, I was forced into a sense of inconsistency.  I didn't really have the proper tools on board to be as strict as I was encouraged to be, so when I'm strict, I yell and get angry, not something I find productive, and I'm a bit too harsh on my kids.  I tend to do things like put them in time-out for longer than intended or give them punishments that don't make sense to fit the crime, both habits I had largely managed to avoid in my daughter's younger years but felt pressure to take up those behaviors.  I can also see another source of our tension, but it doesn't really relate to this chapter, or possibly this book at all.  It has to do with the actions I model, something else that's a hold-over from my own childhood and upbringing.


My partner has the same bend towards being too strict, though certainly nothing like my older two's father used to be, and probably still would be.  His family life was filled with rigid rules that he fought against every day.  Instead of helping him learn not to do the things he was being punished for, he would fight against it, break even more rules, and rebel.  Why should he care if he was just going to be punished anyways?  He and I have had some long talks about establishing boundaries that we can all live with, but in his eyes, it all comes down to respect.  Children are supposed to be obedient and that's the end of it.  More often than not the kids fight against his rules because they don't understand why the rules are even there to begin with, and he doesn't take the time to explain it so they can understand.  His idea of punishments don't always make sense either.


As a result, I've kind of been pushed to keep up with the strict side of things, even though I want to have a relaxed and casual home environment.  I get reminded regularly that my kids are "out of control" mostly by my older two's father, but my partner occasionally picks up the same sentiment when they don't listen.  To be fair, they're not out of control.  For the most part they are safe and pretty well mannered.  They're just kids acting like kids.  They're just not always obedient and respectful.  However, being more strict doesn't always lead to more obedient and more respectful kids.  In truth, it's been leading to the opposite.


Though my older two's father and I couldn't make it work, what my partner and I need to do as parents is step up and work together on this one.  We need to present a united front that's honestly balanced.  If nothing else, I know my kids will feel much more comfortable and be much more willing to follow the rules when they know why the rules are in place and they have a steady and predictable outcome to every rule.  Knowing they'll get one result from me, another from my partner, and yet other reactions still from our room mates is only going to serve to confuse them.  At least if my partner and I can keep some sense of consistency and balance, we'll be providing them with a family unit that gives them something they can rely on.


In all of this, I really do need to recognize that there's a lot of work to be done.  My partner and I both need to sit down and work on some techniques for communicating more positively with the children.  I know he's not their father, but he's been a consistent male role model in their lives for pretty much the past two years.  While I'm not going to push upon them that they need to look at him like a father or step-father, they do need to respect him as an adult and as a part of the family.  They need to be able to respect me as well, and if I'm a little more laid back and relax (with or without being overly permissive) and someone else is overruling everything I say, that teaches the kids they don't need to listen to me just as much as if I don't uphold my own limits and boundaries.  The situation might be different if he wasn't such a constant in my life.


We've got a lot of work to do.  That's one thing I will give this book credit for.  I can't say yet whether I'll agree with all the techniques provided, but I can already say, it's proven it's point.  It pinpointed one of the major conflicts my partner and I have been having on and off over the past two years, how to handle the children, and why my daughter in particular feels she can get away with breaking the rules and blatant disrespect towards the adults in her life.  We'll see how things go from here.