I think it was a couple of years ago that I really got upset about this and wrote in an old live journal about how I'd blamed my mom for the distance, but I think it was both of us, really. I used to say that she just gave up because I was no longer nearby, convenient, and making all the effort. Maybe that really was part of it. I'm sure it probably was, but at the same time, I was going through a lot and wanted to blame everyone for my problems but me. I didn't want to admit that I could have made a bigger effort with my family too.
For the past nearly five years I've been in Texas. This is our fourth Christmas living in Texas and our third one actually staying in state. I didn't think this year would be any different. My aunt would send us a ton of cool stuff for the kids. My grandmother would send some stuff too. Maybe the older two would get something from their dad, but I'd never know for sure until it arrived on my doorstep. I'd do what I could for the kids, but I never planned to get anything crazy, wild, or fancy. That would pretty much be it. Sander's birthday would be filled with loving gifts from my aunt and my grandmother, as well as some gifts from Chesh and I, but we wouldn't be able to do much. That's pretty much how it goes every year. Our gingerbread party usually only has a couple people ending in a pretty small gathering which has been really nice. It's a small, quiet holiday.
This year I was a little surprised to see an e-mail in my inbox from my mother asking me what the kids wanted for Christmas. She said she'd really like to get something specific for Bunny Boo, but she wanted to make sure the boys weren't left out. She wanted to know what kinds of things they liked so she could shop for them. She had some ideas of her own, of course, and let me tell you, after seeing all the boxes come in from my mom, I was completely shocked! There was a lot of stuff there.
Now, let me tell you a thing or two about my mom. Boy can that woman shop! It's not so much that she likes to buy stuff, but the things she likes to buy. My mom always picks out the best toys, and I think it's because she put so much time and consideration into the things she bought for my sister and I when we were younger. She just seems to have a knack for picking out wonderful toys. I've noticed cost doesn't seem to be much of a concern for my mother. It's not so much that the sky's the limit for spending. It's more that she'd rather focus on quality over cost.
For years I wondered how she managed. We were never a family that had much money, so it was always a shock to see the piles of presents under the tree. I suppose she had it easier, in a way, only having two children instead of three like my family has, or five like some of the families I know. Even so, I always thought it was a Christmas miracle. I couldn't imagine she would be able to hide all of that stuff without my sister and I noticing, not in the small apartment we lived in. The whole idea just seemed impossible.
As I contacted my mom to let her know of each delivery and arrival, my mom and I would talk with every message. She told me how she'd find the toys when they were on sale and hide them away no matter what time of year it was. Then when it got close to Christmas time she only had the fun stuff to worry about. She saved a lot of money and broke up the cost throughout the year, so the burden of Christmas shopping was much less of a problem. Sure, she spent a lot of money on Christmas, but breaking it up throughout the year was what made it possible, and finding good sales only helped.
We've talked about a lot more than just Christmas shopping. My mom said she hoped that we'd make cookies this year, since she loved doing it so much when we were kids. I remember making cookies with my mom every year. I haven't told her this yet, but we have a pancake breakfast every year to try and keep the family tradition. It's not quite the same as what my mom used to do. She'd go all out with eggs, bacon, sausage, and waffles. We don't do the bacon because of the pork and turkey bacon just isn't the same. Sausage sometimes ends up on the menu because there are so many varieties other than pork. Eggs are a must on Christmas morning, even if I can't eat them anymore. We top it all off with pancakes as a poor substitute for waffles. The absence of a waffle iron makes a waffle breakfast difficult. Some day we'll have a waffle iron and be able to keep to the tradition. For several years we'd make fudge every year, just like my mom always did, but it's hard to get motivated without the right ingredients. I'd meant to order some Marshmallow Fluff
, but it was forgotten on the list of Christmas shopping and it's so much more expensive to order online. The alternatives down here just aren't the same. It's just one more thing that makes me think of my mom.As we got to talking, she and I touched upon the idea of image. It's hard when your friends all have their own houses and have husbands with decent jobs. It seems like in the homeschool community there's a lot of people with money. I'm almost embarrassed to admit we're a poor family. It's not easy to tell people we're on WIC and food stamps when they own their own house and have two nice cars. It's not easy to explain that we just can't afford to fly home for Christmas when they talk about taking all these trips and about their adventures in foreign countries. I'm intimidated to have these families over to the little trailer we call home. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with our place, but it's not easy to have people look down on you, and it's hard to accept that not everyone will.
Talking with my mom reminded me of something. She said that one of the kids we knew said we could have a nicer place if she bought us less toys. Well, I suppose if she spent less money on my sister and I we could have had a nicer place, that's true. How much nicer of a place is questionable, but nicer. We would have had a less cluttered house too. However, looking back at my childhood I don't see an apartment that must have been pretty run down by all the splinters I remember. I see moments. I think of my sister and I coming in from playing in the snow while my dad shoveled the stairs and the driveway, stuffing our boots and gloves on and under the radiator, and being met with fresh popcorn and hot chocolate. I remember my dad making snow animals at the end of the stairs, and saying the neighbor complained because it made the snow harder to shovel. I remember making cookies with my mom and from what I remember, it seemed like we did it a lot. I remember dressing up in my school uniform and having french toast for breakfast because my mom always made us breakfast before school. I remember learning how to use the old rotary phone. I remember all our girl scout projects and trips. I remember swimming with my dad at the local reservoir, and my mom taking us there almost every day in the summer and sitting there for hours, working on embroidery, while my sister and I played. I always loved watching her with her cross stitch. Every time we'd come back to take a peek there was something new to discover. We'd run around like crazy kids in he forsythia bushes in our tiny front yard, pretending they were wild rabbit dens and all sorts of crazy thing. I also remember helping my mom with our tiny garden that always seemed to grow so perfect, no matter what was going on.
I guess what I'm saying is it shouldn't matter how much money a family has, but how happy they are. Looking back at my life, sure, I would have loved my own room or a big back yard, but not if it replaced the moments in my life. Because of the way we were raised, my sister and I were very creative and inventive. We were always making up our own crazy adventures. We even decided that our American Girl dolls had a time machine and could travel to visit each other because it didn't make sense that kids from two time periods would play together. They would have to dress up in each other's clothes and come up with some crazy story about why they were visiting. Their families knew, of course! How could you not know you owned a time machine? But the contemporaries at the time couldn't know about it. We were raised to be respectful too, and to honor the people around us. I know at times we've shown the standard lack of respect of kids our generation, but I remember always trying to be as polite and courteous as possible.
The sacrifices my family made in lifestyle were certainly made up for on other fronts. My sister and I learned to truly enjoy life. I can imagine it would have been much different if my mother put all her efforts into making sure we had the nicest apartment we could afford. I'd like to think my kids are going to go through much the same sort of thing.
There are also so many people I doubt I would have looked at twice had I been used to "higher standards". Because of the way I was raised, I realized that I wasn't like my friends with more money in many ways, but at the same rate, I was no different. I didn't think in terms of class or money. If I did, I surely would have passed up Chesh, who says his family is trailer trash, but that's what he came from. He doesn't focus on having all the luxuries we may want, but he lives to see the kids brighten up and smile. Much like my mom, he seems to take delight in seeing the kids light up when they get the perfect gift, or when they find out he's been planning a surprise for them. He believes they should live for the moments, which is why we've gone on field trips and to events that we probably shouldn't have spent the money on. He'd rather be poor as a pauper and in debt up to his eyeballs than deny the kids a wonderful experience they're going to remember straight into adulthood. That really sounds like my mom, but if I'd been raised like a lot of the people I once knew, I can't help but think I'd look down on him because he grew up in a trailer park, no matter how nice he cleans up. His bad habit of being poor because he'd rather provide a good time his family will remember now than save money for later would be highly frowned upon. In many ways, he's just different. I think in many ways my mom is too.
It's taken years to open up the lines of communication between us and I really hope it doesn't stop once Christmas has passed. I know it's all too easy to get lax in communication when the holidays pass or there isn't some event to encourage talking. I don't want to see things go that way again.
This year has been strange. There's been a lot of good coming out of unexpected places. There's a lot of battered and broken bridges that are finally being repaired. It just seems like my life is being rebuilt. It gives me a lot of hope for the new year. It gives me hope that even with all the hard times my kids have seen, we'll make it through okay. Some day they'll grow up and realize I did the best I could, and in reality, it really wasn't all that bad.
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