It's that time of year again, Christmas. It's the season of consumerism and the competition to get the best gifts every year. I'm not that kind of person. My children are what's important this holiday season. There's something about seeing their smiles on Christmas day that makes it worth it to make sacrifices, even when I feel like maybe I should just step up and be the one to take credit for what I do.
For the past three years I've tried to make sure my older two get something incredibly awesome from their dad. Often times it's meant a good deal of hurting on my part. These were things I'd intended on getting for my own kids. I wanted to be the ones to light up their faces the way they do. Sometimes it kind of hurts to know that, while it was my brilliant idea, I can't take any of the credit. I have to stand in the background and let someone else stand in the spotlight, someone who wouldn't have even come up with such a brilliant idea if I'd never brought it up.
Of course, isn't that kind of what Christmas is about? It's about seeing the joy on the faces of the people you love. In this case, it's knowing my kids are happy, not about my own personal pride at being the one to make them happy. I know in my heart it's my doing that made them happy and that should matter far more than my kids knowing I was the one behind all of it. Isn't that kind of the idea of Santa too? It's not so important that someone knows you were the one to do something for them. That's all a matter of pride. It's the joy that's important, so not taking credit for something my kids get from "Santa" is worth it.
In a way, I'm also trying to do something good for the kids' father as well. True, he's getting the credit for my brilliant idea and all he has to do is physically get the stuff with his own money, but it means something to the kids. With how frustrated they've been at the absence of their father in their life, it makes them feel good and cared about to have their dad get them something so incredibly special. It helps their feeling of connection with their father, even if it's not the same as if he'd made the effort himself.
I know I could be like so many other moms out there. I could tell their father if he really cared about what the kids were into or what they wanted, he should talk to them about it. I could just give him a vague overview. I could just tell him something simple and vague, or to buy them things they need, like clothes. I know a lot of moms that expect their ex to figure it out on their own or take the time with the kids to figure it out, but I don't really want to do that. I know exactly what the gift of the year would be for my kids, and I know a part of what makes those gifts so special is who they got it from. I don't want them to be disappointed by their father. They've got enough disappointment in their lives.
Even so, it's really hard. I feel like I'm shielding my kids from the harsh reality of what's going on in their relationship with their father. I'm sure at some point they'll both realize that their dad relies on me to tell him what they're into and what to get. I don't know if they'll appreciate it more or think less of me for letting him take all the credit. I guess the truth of the matter is I want them to feel like they matter, even if that means letting their dad give them the things I know in my heart will truly make them happy.
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