Setting Limits Chapter 5: Are Your Limits Firm or Soft

Okay, it's time for my Monday book review continuation.  I had really meant to keep this going through the holidays, but I'll admit it, I got sidetracked!  With all the moving and everything, it's not surprising.

So here we are again, back at Setting Limits Chapter 5.  This chapter refers to us as parents like a stop light.  Obviously green means go.  However, many parents give their children a yellow light and expect them to stop.  Let's be honest, how many of us really stop at a yellow light?  How many people actually speed up to try and get through before the light turns red?  That's kind of how soft limits can be to kids, like that yellow light that tells them they should stop, but they don't have to.  Kids need a solid red.

The author gives a pretty good list of "soft limit" expressing behaviors:

• Wishes, Hopes, and Shoulds
• Repeating and Reminding
• Speeches, Lectures, and Sermons
• Ignoring the Misbehavior
• Unclear Directions
• Ineffective Role Modeling
• Bargaining
• Arguing and Debating
• Bribes and Special Rewards
• Inconsistency Between Parents
• Ineffective Follow-Through

Each of these is followed by a good, clear description and why these limit setting behaviors aren't giving red lights like you may think they are.  Some of them are pretty obvious, but if you want to know more, I'd suggest you check out the book.

Then we get into the other half of things, tips for giving a good, clear, firm red light:

1. Keep the focus of your message on behavior.
2. Be direct and specific.
3. Use your normal voice.
4. Specify your consequence if necessary.
5. Support your words with action.

I think it is important that the author broke this up into five simple things to keep in mind.  It goes along with the repetition used in the end of the book.  The more reminders you have and the easier to remember, the more likely you'll get it and keep a solid understanding.

The one thing I do like about this chapter over the rest is hidden in the parent study questions is a little practice exercise.  This exercise is to practice setting firm limits with your children and note how they react.  Make note of them.

I have to say, finally, on chapter five, we're making it to the meat of the book!  Isn't this what the whole book was supposed to be about?  Learning how to implement firm limits?  It looks like the book is finally starting to get to its point!