Things are starting to progress around here. Homeschooling is still a minor failure. Instead of doing traditional things, like writing, reading, and all of that, our lessons have come in bitty spurts as I've been feeling up to them. The weather changing seems to have brought on a good deal of joint pain, especially bringing back that severe pain that hit my knees at a festival nearly eight years ago. It's really slowed me down a lot, but I'm doing what I can. One of these days I'll actually have to go get a doctor to diagnose what's wrong with me, but they've been working on that for years, so I'm not too worried about seeing to it tomorrow or anything. One day at a time is all I can manage these days, so I'm just taking it slow. Right now getting settled and back into routine is more important than going through all the same tests over again because there's been problems with getting my medical files transferred.
Thankfully, some progress is being made. My partner and I have been hitting the room hard this weekend. Something needed to get done. The place was in total chaos. The whole house needs a lot of work, both on a maintenance and repair level and on a more normal cleaning and organizing kind of scheme. However, our room was starting to drive me nuts. We had furniture that needed moving so our books can go up on the shelf. We needed to move our bed, a desk, and so much more. Oh, just because I want to point this out, for the first time in a very long time I'm actually sitting at a desk while on my computer! It's such a nice change! We've still got one bookshelf to move and our bed to place and make again, but for the most part, it's really come a long way. The place is starting to look more like a home than a random place where everyone stores all of their stuff.
The first focus we had when we moved in was to set up a room for the kids. We wanted them to have some feeling of normal life back again. I wanted them to feel like they were really home and settle in. Isn't that just how moms are? They put the needs of their kids first, sometimes to the point of forgetting their own needs all together. That's kind of where I was at. I didn't stop to think how insane I was going at the state of my own room until I started to move things and get them in order.
I'll admit full well that I have problems with stress and anxiety. It's all too easy to get overwhelmed. Who doesn't in these days when the economy is bad and it seems like everywhere you turn the news is no better? However, I've always been a firm believer in the idea of hearth and home. Home should be the sanctuary for a family. It should be that one place they return to and always feel like they are supported, strong, and at peace. I'm finally getting to the point where I can have that again. It certainly took me long enough!
This also makes my life easier in a number of ways. My life can largely be conducted upstairs now. I can sit in my room at my computer to work. I can be upstairs with the children, using the desk in their room for homeschool. I don't have to worry near so much about going up and down stairs all day, something that gives my knees hell every time I do. Instead, I can spend much of my time upstairs and only come down for meals and social time. It allows me a quiet place to work too. Best of all, we just need a baby gate for the top of the stairs and I won't even have to worry about which rooms in the house will be baby-friendly! I know the room mates will probably find me quite antisocial, but I'm a very private person and I think I'll prefer it that way. Besides, they have their anti-social moments too (who doesn't) so I can only imagine they'll understand.
I'm really looking forward to the positive changes that are going on here. For the first time in a long time, I'm finally feeling like I'm actually home. That's not to say I couldn't be home with my other room mates or past living situations, but I'm starting to settle into that feeling of sanctuary, of knowing my space is my space and truly enjoying it for what it is. I have an arrangement that mostly works for the kids, my partner, and I, and that's what truly matters.
I know when things change in life it's hard to actually see it for what it is. I've learned a lot from the situations I've been in. I've been reminded again to pick my battles, know when to speak and when it's not important enough. I've learned to take a good deal of venting both about situations that involved me and ones that haven't. What I've learned most of all is that no matter where I make my home, unless I actually make it a home for my family, it will never be more than a roof over our heads and someplace to keep us warm. It's been a very long time since I've actually made a decent home for my family. It's even harder when living with other people. I think it's about time we have one again.
So it may be slow going, but we're getting there. This place is finally turning into a space I want to call home, and I think it's about time. I need somewhere I can settle in for a while. I'm really looking forward to the rest of our stay here now.
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