Setting Limits Chapter 4: The Family Dance

Again, this chapter started off with a point of frustration already.  The author detailed what he calls "the Family Dance".  It's that back and forth that goes on in the family that doesn't get anything done.  He wanted to illustrate how many families "dance" for far too long when the best action is "not to dance at all."  He suggests doing this by his repeat of clear cut rules and immediate consequences.

In this chapter we look at two different families and their family dance.  Again, we have the diagrams of an average argument between parent and child.  They diagram this, and then they have each parent diagram the way their parents handled situations.  The idea was to prove that the "family dance" is an inherited thing, and while changing the end result does change things, it doesn't stop the repetition of whatever learned behaviors we have from our parents.  He does break things down into "verbal steps" and "action steps", and makes a very convincing point on the action steps stopping behaviors immediately while verbal steps only continue things further.  This is just slightly furthering things from the previous three chapters' examples.

At the end of the book there is one exercise I do find beneficial.  It has each parent diagram their own problem solving natures with their family, as well as their parent's way of dealing with misbehavior.  Then you are supposed to circle your own verbal steps and put a box around your own action steps.  Personally, I think this step could have easily come earlier in the book and chapters 2, 3, and 4 could have been condensed into one chapter, but I suppose I can't complain to much.  He certainly is making an effort to hit his point home, and repetition is the best way people learn.  Haven't I said that before?

The questions at the end deal with the diagram and the specific actions within it, identifying our own behaviors and linking them with that of our parents.  While the questions were interesting, I think that they would have had more of an impact if they had been more of a divergence from the previous chapter's questions.  I understand the goal of the repetitive nature is to build on each concept, but for me it takes away my interest in the questions.  Perhaps they would work better as study group questions.